Zombie Survival - The Bear and Badger

stonechalice

In the event of a genuine zombie outbreak or similar human affliction that causes rampant cannibalistic flesh eating, (and we're talking the real deal here) - what would be the first precautions and safety measures you would take?

Let's boil it right down to the life situation you're currently in; what you would do if you were at work, at home in bed, down the pub, in your car? We'll run through all those situations.

For arguments sake, lets say it's an outbreak that turns humans into zeds akin to those in 28 Days Later. These fuckers are fast and lethal, and the disease has spread like wildfire in a matter of hours/days.

Let's start with what you would do if it happened on your way to work...

Wookienopants

If it happened on my way to work I'd keep driving, I'd drive straight to the nearest petrol station and fill up, hoping that it's early enough in the outbreak that I'd be able to fill the tank. To be fair I probably wouldn't bother about crossing the forcourt to pay. I'd probably grab a few bags of firewood and charcoal from there for cooking on however.

Then I'd drive. Oxfordshire has plenty of areas that are far enough and remote enough from main towns and cities that I reckon it'd be fairly safe in the countryside.

I wouldn't go home, with a conservatory making it easy for the bastards to smash their way in I think that I wouldn't last too long there.

Haven't thought about food though! As I said if I was made aware early enough I'd ransack the nearest supermarket for tinned goods and be on my way.

Wookienopants

As for weapons I'd want something solid, something light enough that I can swing quickly and yet still do damage, something I can preferably use to batter the bastards with and use as a tool to push and ram them out of my way.

A metal baseball bat would be ideal for me.

Or a giant purple dildo bat

Paul the sparky

Nah, fuck fast zombies.

Wookienopants

Bit tricky, I think you'd need lots of lube and someone to hold them down

Skerret

So I will enact my subterranean shipping container complex plan. I'll be undetectable and able to live there for at least 1 year. By then all the zombies will have starved and I can resume populating the planet. Do zombies starve? I hope so, my plan depends on it.

Paul the sparky

Nah, they don't need food. They're dead innit?

Wookienopants

My god, a planet populated by mini skerrets.

Our poor human race

Skerret

Oh yeah. Back to the old drawing board.

Skerret

Wookienopants wrote:

My god, a planet populated by mini skerrets.

Our poor human race

You know it's the only option.

Wookienopants

But what if the only surviving female is hideous?
Could you get it up enough to do the job?

TheDJR

I'd go looting.

cockbeard

I got it up enough to father you, it's called being professional

cockbeard

I'd ring around the old Malton crowd, get hold of Pause and Lester, we'd be fine

Wookienopants

I'd probably just run and hide and wait for it all to blow over

Roujin

cockbeard wrote:

I'd ring around the old Malton crowd, get hold of Pause and Lester, we'd be fine

Saltrow Library represent!

JonB

I'd probably fight my way through the hoards to an underground laboratory responsible for producing the biological weapons, and try to trigger the obligatory the self-destruct mechanism, escaping narrowly having had to defeat some giant uber-zombie mutant on the way out.

Then I'd probably do it again every couple of years, in various locations around the globe.

GooberTheHat

Ref. the original question, I'd keep going to work. Pinch an armoured APC, a generator, and as many cans of fuel as I could. Then I would ram raid the armoury and collect a few dozen rifles and machine guns. Then on to the ammo compound.

*Disclaimer* For the attention of GCHQ spy bot, this is a hypothetical response to a Zombie apocalypse, and in no way reflects any desires or plans I am currently making.

TheDJR

I'm sure I could pass for a mindless zombie while I'm at work anyway.

Skerret

Fucking hell cocky you've got a lot to answer for.

Matt_82

I'd head for the hills.

djchump

Roujin wrote:

cockbeard wrote:

I'd ring around the old Malton crowd, get hold of Pause and Lester, we'd be fine

Saltrow Library represent!

I'm doing a run to Giddings Mall, anyone want anything?

Aaroncupboard

I would head to the homebase around the corner from work and grab any supplies I need (an axe, wood chippings, knives) and hopefully pop in the sainsburys beside it to stock up on tins of food.

I would then drive home to either pick up my wife (or test out my axe if she has turned).

Final step would be to drive to the coast and set up base/a colony on Eastbourne pier. Only one way in or out.

Moot_Geeza

If it happened on my way to work, and it looked like there was a good chance it would turn into a catastrophic pandemic, I'd probably let a couple of them into building then secretly bite the faces off of two particular colleagues myself while the zombies created a diversion elsewhere. I'd put chewing gum on the cameras first, obv. Very few people in the office would grass me up if they saw it anyway.

stonechalice

Brilliant.

I know most of us are thinking of tooling up for Zombie smashing and food and a secure base for protection, but what would be the very first thing you did if you heard on the radio/TV that there was to be imminent anarchy and chaos?

I think I'd be straight on the blower to loved ones. Then I'd head home, then I'd look at gathering all fam/friends that were close asap, then I'd look at somewhere to go that was safe, then I'd probably think about food and things to batter the zeds with.

Even then, if put in the position for real, I'm not sure what I'd do immediately...

Paul the sparky

Immediately? I'd frown.

stonechalice

Then my mouth would fall open, agog, hand on steering wheel, the other tentatively tweaking the knob on the radio...

GooberTheHat

Wrong thread

Skerret

Panic, get mauled. Everyone imagines they are the main character, but most of us are likely to be zombie fodder ho ho ho, hoo ho ho ho

stonechalice

GooberTheHat wrote:

Wrong thread

Nah that was more than ten words.

Paul the sparky

Skerret wrote:

Panic, get mauled. Everyone imagines they are the main character, but most of us are likely to be zombie fodder ho ho ho, hoo ho ho ho

Aye. My cardio isn't good enough for much else. That's assuming I've even recognized the threat and not just said 'Oops! Excuse me!' as I'm attacked by an elderly lady, small child or whatever.

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