Parents - The Bear and Badger

[Deleted User]

A little thread about our Dads and Mums. I've just spent five days with my Dad in the middle of nowhere. I don't know exactly when he turned into a sad and frightened racist but this week he broke my heart. My Mum is lovely, and divorced. Parents eh?

Outlaw

That's really sad space. I think it's just something to do with the frailty of old age, they get afraid of the outside world, especially that which is unfamiliar to them. My Grandad was a grammar school headmaster, really intellectual and high brow kind of guy. We used to take the mick out of him and my dad for reading the telegraph all the time. I remember him starting to come out with racist things towards the end, which wasn't like him. One day when I went round he had The Mail open on the kitchen table. No idea when he started to read that instead, but it obviously helped inform that insular perspective on the world.

LarryDavid

My Dad was a teacher, and a very easy going knowledgable guy who always had an answer to my childhood questions and the patience to put up with me. He loses his temper at almost everything now, driving in the car with him is a nightmare, moaning at every motorist, every traffic light. It's unbearable. He offered to pick me up from the train station when I went to see them last and I just though 'nah, I'd rather walk'.

He's still pretty lefty though, no Daily Mail or UKIP fortunately. To be honest we've never been that close but it does slightly depress me how we've never gotten closer with age. I assumed that would happen.

He looks ancient too, I hadn't seen him for a while and took a good look at him and thought 'fuck, he's an old man!'. In my head he's still mid-40's. I'm sure it's all that moaning and high-blood pressure aging him so rapidly.

My Mum's always been scared of the world and deeply erratic, although funny with it. She's very supportive, if totally impractical. Even by the age of five I'd learnt not to bring my problems to her, as she'd simply get hysterical and make it worse.

[Deleted User]

It's not meant to be a sad thread, but it really can be. It can also be all kinds of lovely. I think it's mainly frustrating.

LarryDavid

I didn't want to characterise my parents as miserable old people that I don't like.

My Mum had a hip replacement a few years ago and my Dad's nursing of her as she recovered was very touching to see, he did all the cooking which was especially amazing, particularly from a man who could barely boil an egg when I was little. He really showed a gentle, caring side that was lovely to see.

Outlaw

I can't wait to grow old with my boyfriend. That's exactly what I want for our future. My grandparents were the most prim and proper people I've ever known but right near the end I guess they just thought 'fuck it', the obvious love between them was so endearing and sweet. To be 87 and still madly in love with your partner - that's pretty fucking cool.

n0face

Long post lost.

My parents are ace, more right wing as they age, are we all destined to fear change?

IanHamlett

You get more entrenched and less able to deal with change. My parents are fine. My dad reads the Mail but along with every other paper. He likes to know what's going on and how it's being spun to different crowds.

My mum's had an interesting career. She used to do bar work, then forklift truck driving, then she was in the choir at the end of The Sunday Show, then various charities, now she's opening a place to get people off drink/drugs.

Outlaw

Your mum sounds ace ian

[Deleted User]

My Mum gave her parent's house to a rape charity. "These women need it more than you or I, so don't feel aggrieved". My Mum knows stuff.

n0face

Not even change, just repetition from another vantage.

Spock

Old age: where your broad mind and narrow waist exchange places...or something like that. My parents are superdupa my dad's a fucking legend - committed pisstaker, hardman hell raiser in his youth who Is actually getting sweeter and kinder as the years go by. Being the last born of our brood, he once used to describe me as "the shakings of the bag". Ace.

pantyfire

I think parents behaviour traits just get more exaggerated as they get older. But not always the good ones.
My mates parents won't drive on bridges when taking a trip. He took them to Venice one year and I pissed myself when I found out.
Im finding my mothers blasé attitude and indulgence for sweet things is getting to the point of dangerous to her health. She's still young, especially considering my age - the dirty tart, and she's doing and has done nothing to look after her health, diet or exercise wise.

n0face

I think retirement really changes a person.

Stopharage

My dad's turned into a complete twat in the last 5 years. Tellingly, I don't really feel any great upset about it. It is pretty sad, in that he has three great grand-children who he has missed out on seeing much of and three sons who he has let down.

Apologies for the wall of text, but guess it's going to be a cathartic exercise. This will read like something out of some unbelievable and shite soap opera.

Dad's been married and separated twice and I'm still really close to my mum and my step-mum (now with new boyfriend - a great guy). Despite living about 5 miles away from us, my dad rarely saw much of the family over the last 5 years, more interested in playing tennis, living beyond his means and spending time with his lady-friends.

That was until he got in contact with me just over a year ago to say he was going to the USA for a week to see an ex-girlfriend (10 years previous). He came back quite buoyant and told me he was going back to see her a week later. He asked if we could accept her friend request on Facebook and we all did. Off he went to the USA again and when she picked him up from the airport, she announced they were engaged. Then an hour later, she then said they would be getting married in Buenos Aires.

He returned to the UK a week later and whilst we were all pretty shocked with the announcement, we were relieved when he said that he was looking to move to the US and gain citizenship when he was married. He told me that he was going to be spending 6 months with her in the US prior to the wedding. Then the cheeky fucker asked me if I could do all the paperwork for his divorce whilst he was in the US. Whilst in the US he would have go at me about the slow progress of the divorce; he even asked to me to go to Kingston Court to hurry them up.

This is when it started going nuts. We found out that he'd told Julie, his prospective wife, that he was divorced and that she had found out he wasn't. She was pretty furious about this. Then we found out that they were having to get married in the UK because of a problem with the divorce. He arrived back in the UK at the start of last September, a week before the wedding day. He asked me and my brothers if we could help him with the wedding arrangements. He had told her that he'd arranged to have the wedding reception in the grounds of a stately home; it was in his mate's back garden. It's nice, but no Longleat. He said he'd arranged fine dining; it was the chef from his tennis club. That the entertainment was a well-known celebrity DJ; it turned out to be a karaoke machine. That the wine had been flown in especially from Argentina; especially for Majestic that is.

Complete and utter farce. This was compounded when Julie turned up 2 days before the wedding. She met the family as me and my brothers were erecting the marquee (borrowed from his tennis club; had seen better days). Dad had arranged for 6 of his mates to help us as it needed a minimum of 8 people to put up. 120ft long, 40ft wide. What resembled the cast of Dad's Army turned up. It was a fucking nightmare. Julie spent the 3 hours we were doing this, telling my sister-in-law that she had no idea why she was going through with marrying him. That he was a liar, that he was poncing off her and that he annoyed her. the only positive she mentioned was that he made her laugh. She told my sister-in-law how she had found out that Dad wasn't divorced, that he had a load of debt and various other things. Alarm bells were ringing.

The day before the wedding, my brother went round to help my dad sort out the decor of the marquee. Dad was sat at home basically expecting his mates and my brother to do it all. Turned out he'd not sorted out tables, chairs or cutlery. As in, not actually ordered any. My brother spent the day sorting that out. That evening, my brother called me to say that dad had also fucked up on ordering any flooring, had told Julie there would be wood laid down and that, again, he'd not ordered this at all. I had to call Wickes that evening to order enough to cover the marquee area.

The day of the wedding I turned up at the venue at 6am to find 2 of his mates waiting as well. My dad had gone for a run and kept us waiting for half an hour. Convoluted trip to hire a van, pick the wood up and then 3 hours to lay it. Then we had to set the venue up. Dad was nowhere to be seen. Left at 12.30pm, to rush home and get changed.

Wedding was weird. Uncomfortable and felt unreal. Got smashed to deal with the stress of the day. Had a cracking time with my brothers.

He moved to the US a married man. Julie was having a major back operation pretty much immediately on returning. She worked in IT security for a pretty major bank, who were already giving her grief for having time off.

A couple of months later, things started to fall apart. Julie was in regular contact with my sister-in-law via email and was telling her that my dad was lying to her, using all her money and refusing to help her around the house despite the fact she was supposed to be convalescing after her back op. She had found out that he'd been using her credit cards, that he had left a load of debt in the UK and various other things.

In June, she told us she was kicking him out and was seeking a divorce. That he had spent thousands of her dollars and had made her ill. In July, she told us that they had been separated for a few weeks and that he was now living with their next-door neighbours having told them a load of bullshit so they would take pity on him. He had got in contact with her to say that he was now in hospital after throwing up green bile. He had starved himself for 5 days. He was telling her that she would have to pay the hospital bills. He threatened to kill himself as well and Julie felt he was hoping that the hospital would diagnose him with a terminal illness. It's lying, manipulative, attention-seeking at best. He was trying to get people to feel sorry for him. He posted pictures of himself in hospital onto Facebook. This has been going on for 3 months now.

He's taken money from this poor lady, is no doubt going to land her with a vast hospital bill, told medical staff that he was an international marathon runner and much more. Whilst spending her money, we found that he still has some ferreted away in a UK account. He's ruining her life and yet occasionally emails us with updates of his medical woes, pretending that everything is fine with her.

When I was younger, my dad was infallible, amazing, caring, intelligent. Now he's one of the most morally reprehensible people I've ever met. He disgusts me. I have a happy life, a loving family and am content with my lot; I guess I feel like I should be more upset about what he's become. I sometimes think I should be upset about it, but I'm fairly numb to it all. There is minor concern that it may hit me at some point in the future but my brothers all feel similar about it; we were almost resigned to the outcome. My wife feels sorry for his situation and about the fact he's missed out on seeing his grand-kids grow up over the last 7 years. But that's because she's a truly kind soul and hasn't been consistently let-down by his lies and manipulation.

Apologies for the rambling structure. A bottle of wine and a ridiculous yarn aren't great bedfellows. Does feel good to get that typed out and read it all back though.

Tempy

Bloody hell.

I dunno if I would have put up with that wedding BS. Good you got it out though, it can help.

Dark Soldier

This is a thread I heartily endorse. Will read the entries and post my parents history tomorrow.

Stopharage

Typing all that up and reading it back, there's loads I've missed out. That wall of text is the abridged version, Christ.

Forget to mention the debt collector letters addressed to him, at my address. £40k and counting. Got my address, due to all the divorce papers that came here, I guess. Or the time he said he wanted to come over and see the kids, then instead spent 2 hours using my wi-fi to sort the wedding debacle as his internet was cut off.

Webbins

Sounds a pickle, Stoph. Hopefully you find catharsis laying it down. Your dad is a good old fashioned cad and a rotter if that offers any comfort.

Moot_Geeza

My dad's a borderline eccentric who lives on a canal boat. He looks a bit like Blade-era Kris Kristofferson, he's smoked a pipe since he was eleven, had a beard since he caught flu at nineteen, and has taken to tying his hair back with a rubber band.

Here he is, with Lucy.

My mum died when I was ten, which had every right to ruin him, but I can't remember anything he did while my sister and I were growing up that I don't admire him for in some way.

Dad facts:

He gets annoyed if they use the wrong train whistle for the on screen engine in TV shows, used to listen to train sound effects he'd recorded himself on reel to reel in the 1950s on our huge front room stereo, and used to have a steam train phone that made steam train noises instead of ringing (which he could differentiate from his steam train noise tapes, even from the kitchen). I've seen him box a man to the ground, dust him off and shake his hand whilst I was pressed up to the back windows of a Morris Minor Traveller. I've seen him get emotional on the more than one anniversary of Buddy Holly's death. Peter's Friends and Demolition Man are the two films that I've seen him get most annoyed at. In 1997ish, he had two ribs broken by a group of teens on the train home from work after he stopped them harassing another passenger (he left the railway in the early 90s, but he's always been 'can you remove your shoes from the seat please?' guy). He only told me about the ribs when we were halfway up a flight of stairs carrying a washing machine a week later, and he felt the need to explain why he'd put his end down. He taught our budgie to say 55 different words or phrases, including "here's looking at you, kid", and "here comes Norman" (a neighbour). If a retailer or establishment has earned the expression 'vote with your feet', he will never set foot in there again, even decades later. He sleeps during the day and listens to the wireless by the fire at night. His alter ego for phoning or emailing his radio stations is 'Robert from Mitcham'. He corrected the mistakes in pretty much every book we owned with a pencil. He was a roadie in the 70s for a duo who got big-ish in Germany called Hardin & Yorke. He's a dog man but all cats seem to love him.

Moot_Geeza

Sorry Stoph, read yours after and now I feel odd about whacking out an upbeat post straight behind it.

Skerret

I can't complain.

Escape

If it's not impertinent, Stoph, Dad Quixote.

Mine are getting on for 70 and I worry about them.

JonB

My parents are pretty much the stereotypical suburban, liberalish, floating-voter, middle-class baby-boomer types. They like walking and collecting pottery and going to ballet and recycling, which is funny for my Dad who had a working-class upbringing in Hull. I couldn't ask for more in terms of having a stable home life growing up. All seemed very boring when I was younger, and still does in fact, but it's really the perfect thing for parents to be.

We've had a lot of ~~arguments~~ discussions about politics in recent years, since I got all lefty, and I think it's kept them on their toes a bit more. They actually take an interest in alternative ideas at least. It's not like they ever would have gone down the Mail/UKIP route anyway - they have friends like that and try to avoid discussing politics with them. My Dad may well have been a union-bashing corporate drone in his career (management in the car industry), and may have even voted for Thatcher at one point (he claims not to remember), but he's never been a racist.

I haven't actually seen them in a year, what with living abroad, but they're due a visit soon enough.

Stopharage

Moot_Geeza wrote:

Sorry Stoph, read yours after and now I feel odd about whacking out an upbeat post straight behind it.

No worries Moot. Your Dad bio demonstrates your love and admiration to him, seems like a cracking, principled chap. I'm more angry and bemused about my dad than emotionally upset.

Escape wrote:

If it's not impertinent, Stoph, Dad Quixote. Mine are getting on for 70 and I worry about them.

Not at all 'Scape. Dad Quixote is perfect.

My situation may read as pretty negative but I'm pretty blessed. My mum is a very wealthy widow who has supported me to an amazing extent. My step-mum treats me and my brothers as if we were her natural kids, despite having separated from my dad 10 years back. Her boyfriend is one of the kindest folks I've ever met. And even the mother-in-law is adorable. One bad apple isn't all bad.

pantyfire

Jeez Stoph, the lying, manipulation and lack of remorse all seem text book sociopath to me!

hylian_elf

Good thread. Very interesting to read how different people can be/get when they are older or if they have experienced trauma earlier in life etc.

Un/fortunately I have nothing to say about mine, boringly normal.

Brooks

My folks provided me a basically flawless upbringing. Creatively vital, exceptionally well read, eager to share as soon as I existed, open and explanatory about everything a youngster could be remotely curious about, gregarious with strangers without being overbearing, fascinated with current cultural development, accommodating of numerous personal setbacks that bordered on mental illness.

Only problem being they set the benchmark so high for images of Wedded Bliss I have avoided one of my own ever since. I'm a fraction of my pa, and I'd rather not hook up with a fraction of my ma for balance.

Brooks

Moot's old man is somehow even more endearing than Bramble.

Moot_Geeza

A dream of mine is to get my dad, Lucy and Bramble to recreate this for a photo

Outlaw

Somehow mashed the screen in my half asleep state and did things, ignore!

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