The time is upon us, the time every football fan lives for, the start of the football season. But more importantly it's also the start of the Fantasy Football season, a source of never-ending tedium for pub bores and would-be statisticians alike. The Bear and Badger forum has long been a home to many of those bores, so what better way to test their inane, largely pointless football knowledge than by pitting their wits against one another in a none-too thrilling season of Premier League Fantasy Football?

Classic league code: 378861-347049

Head-to-Head league code: 1466856-349054

http://fantasy.premierleague.com/

Let's kick-off our season preview with an in-depth tactical analysis of some of the known runners and riders:

Cockbeard:



Cocko's long been admired within the B 'n' B sports thread fraternity, and claims to support a team whose name is apparently Bournemouth. I've never heard of them myself, but do know of the excellent dark-chocolate bar, Bourneville, which is a satisfactory alternative to the dark-chocolate Bounty if you find the newsagents has sold out.

But is his team up to scratch? What chance a Cocko title challenge?

To find out the answers, I contacted none other than current Premier League champion, Jose Mourinho:



LD: "Jose! Alright mate, how's it going? Fantasy Football then - cockbeard's gone with the 4-4-2, thoughts?"

JM: "Who is this? How did you get my number? I'm taking a fucking training session..."

*hangs up*

Ah Jose, playing his mindgames already. He kept his cards close to his chest but my own intuition from speaking to him was that Jose was rather rattled by Cockbeard's selection and fears the impact of the untested Bournemouth duo of Ritchie & Wilson within the confines of an otherwise experienced, cannily selected squad.

Childintime:



Bushy of beard, intense of stare, rugged of looks, CiT's long been a fixture of the B 'n' B community, amusing us all with his tales of pornographic amputee fantasies and general sexual curiosity/deviance. This season the bearded pervert has gone with a strong Southampton spine, putting his faith in the excellent youth development policy of the Saints. Will it be enough?

Let's ask longtime forum contributor and part-time umbrella salesman/Newcastle Manager, Steve McClaren:



*phones Newcastle training ground*

..."hello, thish ish Stchteve McLaren ..."
*inaudible*
(to unnamed person in background): "Yeah, I know. I know I'm not in fucking Holland anymore, I know that don't I? Fucks sake!"

"Hello Steve, how's it going?"

"Yeah, sound mate. Who the fuck are you?"

"I'm inquiring about some management tips..."

"Well, you've come to the right place. I've forgotten more than some managers ever learn, what d'you want to know?"

"What are the chances of an all Southampton Fantasy Football team winning the league?"

"What league?"

"The fantasy league of a small videogames-based online community?"

*Steve hangs up*

Obviously a busy man, Steve had no time to waste discussing the finer points of in-game management, transfer strategy and correct use of wildcard's. Reading between the lines I think Steve was somewhat impressed with Mike's choices, but felt putting all your eggs in one basket and going with an entire Southampton squad could backfire over the course of a season. The man knows his onions, so who am I to doubt him?

TheDJR:



For years now loveable rapscallion DJR has been found lurking within the forum's sports threads, spreading his ill-informed opinion and making wild accusations against other forum members. The sad, slow decline of DJR into a pathetic husk of a man, left near destitute by his ill-advised bets and gambling addiction, has been truly saddening to see. Like an online tramp in a virtual subway, theDJR has even been forced to beg for spare change in order to get himself down to London for forum meets. Think of him as you listen to Ray Winstone urging you to "Ave a bang on that!" during the upcoming season...

His team looks quite good on paper, but then on paper his bets look reasonable too - and we know how they've turned out. Seeing as DJR is a United fan, I've got in touch with Paul 'he scores goals' Scholes and asked him to comment on the selections DJ has gone with.



He was mumbling a bit so it was somewhat of a struggle to transcribe, but here goes:

"Yeah, it's not a bad team that ... *inaudible* ... *unclear* ... "start off the way you mean to go on" .... *inaudible* "...I just think he's crap, I make no bones about that, y'know, what can you say?" ..... *coughs* ... ??? .... "..yeah, but at the end of the day Sanchez may not be fit, I mean we don't know do we?" ... ??? ... *inaudible* .... "....I never make predictions, and I never will" ... *clears throat* ..... "are we done here?"

Well said, Scholesy.

RamSteelwood:


A dark horse, The Ram returns to the fold after many years of FF retirement. He's back - with the fire in his belly and the glint in his eyes. He's ready, he's been waiting for this for many years now, the moment when he finally remembers his Premier League site password. Suddenly, his faltering memory clicks into gear and he's logged back in! Hallelujah! Like a dementia sufferer recalling a summer's day in 1952, in the words of Celine Dion: 'It's all coming back to me now'. Will the title be coming back to him? Only time will tell.

Ram supports Newcastle (I think) so who better to consult on his fantasy team than professional Geordie, Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne:



 *interview with Gascoigne removed due to legal threats*


LarryDavid:



My own selection, it'd be arrogant for me to comment so for this preview I contacted none-other than star of Ghostbusters 2 and secret fantasy football aficionado, Vigo the Carpathian. (via a medium)



"Vigo, lad! what's happening?"

"....On a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain, I sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil!"

"And what a season it threatens to be! Arsenal strengthening, United maybe getting back to a title challenge, the unknown quantities of Bournemouth, Chelsea strong as ever, Jose up to his old tricks. A feast of footie! Any predictions?"

"Find me a child that I might live again!"

"Let's stick to the subject, Vigo. You've seen my team, you must have a few alterations in mind, any opinion on the Aguero vs Costa debate? Terry or Ivanovich? Formations? As you can see I've gone with the 3-5-2 at the moment, but it could change come Saturday"

"Death is but a doorway, time is but a window, I'll be back."

"You say that, Vigo but you haven't even entered a team. Better get cracking, time may be just a window but it's running out if you want to enter for the first round of games"

"I, Vigo, the Scourge of Carpathia, the Sorrow of Moldavia, am still selecting my squad. I'm giving nothing away!"

"Vigo, always a pleasure".



There you have it. Why not join up and compete?