Brooks wrote:

Try winking at them, that's my tip.

Or just say "I'm not an Alien" in the manner of that chap from the Fast Show. Oh, how they will laugh!

Also, Geneva airport, while we're at it. Flown from it twice, 10hour delay each time.

Oh and Rome airport...

In fact maybe all airports suck??

I found both Sydney's and Brisbane's airports were staffed by friendly, jolly folk. Amazing what a smile and a hello can do for your mood.

Unless you're in General Pants. Then that smile is a honey trap - they don't care how you're going today mate, they just want your money.

Kuala Lumpur airport is fucking brilliant.

Haha, brilliant. (@malowner)

My missus had a stopover in Sri Lanka once. Unfortunately it was the same weekend that the Tamil Tigers attacked the airport and blew up some aircraft. It turned into a 24+ hour stopover while they were escorted under guard to a hotel to wait out the fighting. The next day they flew out of the airport, past all the burned out planes that were next to the runways.

eh

In Newark Airport I was welcomed by a particularly aggressive woman.  She was quizzing the Hungarian couple in front of me about where they were staying.  She insisted on talking only to the wife even though it had been established that she spoke no English and would tell the husband to be quiet while he was trying to translate.  After many questions with no answers she gave up and allowed them to enter.

I had all my paperwork with me and was extra polite to her.  As I walked away she said, "Number 2".  I nodded and wandered towards the exit, looking about for number 2 somewhere.  As I walked I heard her shouting after me, "I said number 2!"  So I stopped and looked about to see what she was talking about.

When I turned back to face her to say that I couldn't see where I was to go, she was standing up with her hand on her gun (still holstered) shouting, "SIR!  I SAID! NUMBER! 2!!".  

I absolutely shat myself and dropped all my stuff on the ground.  I had a dimwitted headcase on her period with a gun, pissed off at me.

Thankfully a guy away to the side called me over and directed me to baggage search table 2 where a little old lady got pissy with me when I told her that a Haggis was a small furry creature that runs round the glens.  "I know that!".


After such a terrible start I was amazed at how friendly New Yorkers were.

lol

At the time it was hilarious as a few of the people I was travelling with had lost their passports on the evening we arrived and had only just got them back about 30mins before we considering driving to Warsaw to the British Embassy. The lad had been looking for us all weekend as the coat he had found had 3 mobiles and 3 passports in it. Don't ask, sometimes people do stupid things.

I've had a few iffy moments going through scans with security / customs officials which I am pretty sure I have told before. So I'll tell 'em again.



Once stashed a blank firing Enfield revolver I'd bought in Spain. Was trying to hide it from my parents. On the flight out security went a bit mental then started laughing when they realised it was a blank. Two of them took their guns out their holsters and essentially were like 'jealous?' whilst waving their armed Equalizers at me.



On another occasion got randomly stopped on the way into Dublin and had a laser pointer taken off me because 'It resembled a bullet!' then on the way back to the UK the Irish customs official queried my wallet coming out of the scanner, only to pull out one of these...



The reaction from the old guy upon inspection was 'Oh, for the blow.' looked up at me then my dad. 'Very nice.' and popped it back into my wallet. If English customs hadn't been so interested in my laser pointer on the way out my pipe might not have survived. My dad always enjoyed getting flights with me, there was never a dull moment. In Bombay he got to tell a toilet attendant to fuck off because I never had a tip for him turning on the taps.


There are a few more but those are the best.

A friend and I flew from Amsterdam to Munich, got pulled aside by customs, who fail to appreciate what a mortifying experience have your bags emptied and strip searched is.  "What are you carrying?"  Nothing. "Then why have you gone bright red?"  Because I'm naked, dipshit.

On the train from the airport into town my friend showed me the two ecstasy pills he'd had in his wallet, and which a customs guy had in his hand.  Thankfully, the 'A' stamped in them backed up my friends immediate claim that they were aspirin, and they didn't keep them or testing.  He would never have been able to explain the wrap of speed in the same wallet if they'd found it.

Maybe she had the dog in a clear plastic bag.

They did the shampoo bottle stuff after....something else though, not 9/11.

I remember because I was in Cyprus when it happened and there was much confusion about which of our belongings we were going to be able to bring back home with us.

I flew to Singapore the day 7/7 happened so the airports were on super high alert then as well. I'm not very lucky with this stuff.

There was a plot to bomb a plane and the explosives were being carried in constituent parts disguised as genuine liquid products.  The plot was foiled, but that's why limits have been brought in.

I made a few comments yesterday on one of those facebook copyright hoaxes trying to help stop the bullshit spreading. People are dense.

Here's the excerpt.



I mean there's no harm in doing it- it's just all a bit ignorant if you're not going to listen to two people posting on your profile and reputable news source.

I keep mine pretty much solely for invites to stuff and on Friday afternoons a few mates and I post new music tracks we have heard through the week.

The rest of the time it can fuck off.