The Bizzaro World of Job Hunting - The Bear and Badger

Blocks100

Still on furlough and I have a suspicion that come the end of October when the scheme ends they'll be letting me go. (Tbh, that would be a merciful release). So I got six weeks left to do some jobhunting. Which of course, nobody relishes, but from time to time, it throws up some bizzaro moments. I work in the third sector, so I often find myself having to surf generic jobsites too. And came across this corker today:

Father Christmas 3004244

Great Grottos are the UK leaders in the professional management of Christmas Grottos and a top employer of Santas nationwide.
There is something quite depressing about the term ‘professional management’ being applied to Christmas Grottos. I picture Santa putting his Elf workforce on timed toilet breaks.

We are looking for gentlemen from 28 years and over to play the role of Father Christmas this year at Dobbies Garden Centre.
That’s a odd age limit to specify; I’m sure there are some portly 23 year olds out there that would relish the experience of being Santa. And what’s Santa doing among the hydrangeas anyway?

Experience is not essential as a full training programme is provided, where you will be assisted with clever techniques and fun dialogue.

Aided by a Christmas Elf, you will be responsible for:

        Creating memorable visits by talking to children
        Handing out one of our amazing presents
        Posing for photos
        Wearing one of our professional & sized costumes

Spoiler:

This is a fantastic experience offering:

        Highly rewarding & enjoyable role
        Full training programme
        Professional & sized costume provided
        Good hourly rates of pay
        Wages paid fortnightly
        Flexible shifts available

They forgot the mince pies and a glass of sherry!

You will be part of a team of Santas performing shifts which suit your availability.

But everyone knows there's only one Santa!!!

Successful candidates are able to demonstrate a friendly character and cheerful personality.

No shit!

A DBS check will be conducted, paid for by Great Grottos.

Awkward

And here’s the most depressing bit:

Families will not be able to be closer than 1.5m to Santa and will choose their own present. It will be mandatory that customers over 11 years wear a facemask. The Elf assisting Santa will also be required to maintain a 1.5m distance
and wear a facemask.

Feel free to post your most bizzare job titles / job descriptions you come across whilst gainfully pursuing employment. Tales of extraordinarily bad job interviews would be most welcome too.

acemuzzy

I lack tolerance of Elfs

davyK

How the fuck is anyone going to play Santa during lockdown?

FranticPea

Santa will be spreading Covid all over the shop come Christmas. He might be banned this year.

poprock

During lockdown I’ve probably put on enough weight for the role.

Armitage_Shankburn

Post Brexit, should we drop the foreign "Santa" and go for something more British, like Saintsy or summat?

Diluted Dante

Greavsie?

Wookienopants

FranticPea wrote:

Santa will be spreading Covid all over the shop come Christmas. He might be banned this year.

I predict Hand Santizers at the base of every chimney and signs in the front garden with "SANTA, PLEASE BE RESPONSIBLE AND WEAR A MASK"

SpaceGazelle

I once mentioned in a job interview that I drank far too much.

Diluted Dante

"Congratulations, you're the new town drunk!"

SpaceGazelle

Now that's a job.

Kow

I don't think I've ever done a proper interview.

Wookienopants

I just had a job interview. Have to wait a few more days until I find out.
Really want this.

Diluted Dante

You'll be a great Father Christmas Wookie.

nick_md

poprock wrote:

During lockdown I’ve probably put on enough weight for the role.

I've put on about a stone, despite me now eating just one meal a day most days and starting an exercise thing on Saturdays. I think it's a) drinking more and b) doing barely any movement every day, just bed to desk etc. Pre-apocalypse I was doing a pacey walk to the station for 15 mins, walking around central, up and down stairs, 15 min walk home up an incline etc. It sounds like not a lot but I bet it all adds up.

I need to go running twice a week, mid-week I think, just Saturday isn't enough. And I should drink less.

poprock

Drinking less makes such an enormous difference. I shed tons of weight without even realising when I cut down a few years back.

davyK

Armitage_Shankburn wrote:

Post Brexit, should we drop the foreign "Santa" and go for something more British, like Saintsy or summat?

I think we should go all in and adopt Krampus.

davyK

Wookienopants wrote:

FranticPea wrote:

Santa will be spreading Covid all over the shop come Christmas. He might be banned this year.

I predict Hand Santizers at the base of every chimney and signs in the front garden with "SANTA, PLEASE BE RESPONSIBLE AND WEAR A MASK"

Maskage and beardage go together. I imagine an integrated solution would be optimal.

g.man

Wookienopants wrote:

I just had a job interview. Have to wait a few more days until I find out. Really want this.

Fingers crossed for you mate.

Armitage_Shankburn

SpaceGazelle wrote:

I once mentioned in a job interview that I drank far too much.

City job? Bet they hired u

Wookienopants

g.man wrote:

Wookienopants wrote:

I just had a job interview. Have to wait a few more days until I find out. Really want this.

Fingers crossed for you mate.

Thanks. Will almost double my salary. Means the wife and I will have enough income to consider the third child she really wants..

regmcfly

Wookienopants wrote:

g.man wrote:

Wookienopants wrote:

I just had a job interview. Have to wait a few more days until I find out. Really want this.

Fingers crossed for you mate.

Thanks. Will almost double my salary. Means the wife and I will have enough income to consider the third child she really wants..

But do you want? Posts in other threads suggest otherwise as you want you time.

Wookienopants

regmcfly wrote:

Wookienopants wrote:

g.man wrote:

Wookienopants wrote:

I just had a job interview. Have to wait a few more days until I find out. Really want this.

Fingers crossed for you mate.

Thanks. Will almost double my salary. Means the wife and I will have enough income to consider the third child she really wants..

But do you want? Posts in other threads suggest otherwise as you want you time.

Eventually yes. But that's a conversation for another day

Time_on_my_hands

nick_md wrote:

poprock wrote:

During lockdown I’ve probably put on enough weight for the role.

I've put on about a stone, despite me now eating just one meal a day most days and starting an exercise thing on Saturdays. I think it's a) drinking more and b) doing barely any movement every day, just bed to desk etc. Pre-apocalypse I was doing a pacey walk to the station for 15 mins, walking around central, up and down stairs, 15 min walk home up an incline etc. It sounds like not a lot but I bet it all adds up.

I need to go running twice a week, mid-week I think, just Saturday isn't enough. And I should drink less.

Stick to 3 meals - just eat less for them. Sounds like your metabolism has slowed down with you eating one meal so anything you eat will just turn to fat. Also just get out and do a 20 min walk every day. I managed to lose over a stone this lockdown with this plus dumbbells every couple of days.

nick_md

Yeah I read a while ago about how your body enters starvation mode if you don't eat enough, and so starts panic storing fat. Tbh though I lost appetite, I'm not consciously trying to eat one meal a day, I just never feel particularly hungry in the morning, chill out at lunch, then tend to eat about 5pm when I actually get hungry.

I drink about four cups of coffee in the morning then lots of water and green tea for the rest of the day.

You're right though ofc, I should kick-start my metabolism by eating more frequently; I have a fast metabolism anyway and have always been naturally slim, so I'm sure I'll shed the paunch given a bit of effort.

Diluted Dante

Keep the weight off with masturbation.

SpaceGazelle

You only store fat when you've eaten too much, ya madmen. Fasting burns off the fat you've stored and that's why it stores it - to use when you don't eat enough.

SpaceGazelle

I mean really, you get fatter when you don't eat enough???? Madness talk.

SpaceGazelle

Could make a tidy sum with that book though - SGs Guide to Stuffing Yourself Thin (EAT MOAR).

Funkstain

I thought it was more about how the body prioritises the metabolism of the food? So if you're in ketosis of some other energy deficient mode, your body goes "OK I tell you what to get past this difficult winter, I'll prioritise storing these calories as fat, rather than glucose in the muscles / other bits that need stored energy". It's not about literally getting fatter when you're calorie deficient. I'd bet a fair wedge that Nick's "one meal" is a lot dirty and calorific

SpaceGazelle

Well if it's calorific enough in that one meal that it has more calories than you are going to use each day, the body will store it as fat. If not it won't.

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