"Humour"
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  • acemuzzy
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    Acemuzzy (aka murray200)
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    I need cheering up.

    Somebody tell me a joke.
  • Some months ago Empire interviewed someone for their "How much is a pint of milk?" piece and whoever it was told a very funny joke that I can't remember.  Hope that helps.
  • Go to http://www.sickipedia.org/#. You should get your fill there.
    Town name: Downton - Name: Nick - Native Fruit: Apples
  • A bear, a Zebra and a giraffe walk into a pub,

    The barman says 'Is this some kind of Joke?'
    Sometimes here. Sometimes Lurk. Occasionally writes a bad opinion then deletes it before posting..
  • Dark Soldier
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    An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, 'I have a dead pussy'

    The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
  • Skerret
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    An Irishman walks out of a pub.
    Skerret's posting is ok to trip balls to and read just to experience the ambience but don't expect any content.
    "I'm jealous of sucking major dick!"~ Kernowgaz
  • It might have been Steve Coogan if that helps.
  • What's Green and fucks ferrets?
    The green ferret fucker

    What's Blue and fucks grannies?
    Hypothermia

    What's pink and fucks grannies?
    Grandad
    Sometimes here. Sometimes Lurk. Occasionally writes a bad opinion then deletes it before posting..
  • Skerret
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    An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, 'I have a dead pussy' The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
    You've got your detractors, but... I forget what the rest of that was going to be.
    Skerret's posting is ok to trip balls to and read just to experience the ambience but don't expect any content.
    "I'm jealous of sucking major dick!"~ Kernowgaz
  • Dark Soldier
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    What's fucking shit and posts on here?
    revelthedog
  • acemuzzy
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    Well done team.  I grinned slightly.

    Keep going please.
  • Skerret
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    Unlikely wrote:
    It might have been Steve Coogan if that helps.
    AAAAHAHAHAHAHA, OH THAT'S MAGIC, AAAHAHAHAHA
    Skerret's posting is ok to trip balls to and read just to experience the ambience but don't expect any content.
    "I'm jealous of sucking major dick!"~ Kernowgaz
  • What's pink and silver and can't turn round in a corridor?
    Sometimes here. Sometimes Lurk. Occasionally writes a bad opinion then deletes it before posting..
  • What's fucking amazingly witty and posts on here? revelthedog
    Sometimes here. Sometimes Lurk. Occasionally writes a bad opinion then deletes it before posting..
  • What's pink and silver and can't turn round in a corridor?
    Stephen Hawking?
  • Skerret
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    A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says "Why the long face?"






    The horse replies "My alcoholism is killing my family".
    Skerret's posting is ok to trip balls to and read just to experience the ambience but don't expect any content.
    "I'm jealous of sucking major dick!"~ Kernowgaz
  • Why does Rupert the Bear wear tartan trousers?

    Because hes a cunt.
  • Dark Soldier
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    To rebalance the absolute misogynistic scum that we are, female jokes!

    Why it's better to be a Woman!
    Spoiler:
  • Dark Soldier
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    Oh my, me, eh.
  • 1. We got off the Titanic first.
    How relevant
  • Dark Soldier
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    I like to keep it so, yes.
  • Taxi for Mister Soldier!?
    Sometimes here. Sometimes Lurk. Occasionally writes a bad opinion then deletes it before posting..
  • Dark Soldier
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    Excuse me sir, but you can't force me out of a thread I am currently winning, and winnin...oh fuck it, sure.
  • On Saturday night some of my colleagues were on the radio umpteen times dealing with a herd of thirty cows and a horse that had made their way out of their respective fields.  It took them hours to deal with, it was getting embarrassing.  Just put them in a fucking field already.

    Anyway, at one point my colleague said that it was beginning to get a bit ridiculous.  I said yes, and to think that it had all started with this old lady who had swallowed a fly, and I wasn't sure why she'd swallowed a fly.

    Anyway, Jim found that really funny.  He laughed a lot.  Maybe you had to be there.

    Oh, Jim was my colleague, maybe I need to clarify that.

    So, yeah.
  • http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/jokes-with-realistic.php

    Source of one of my favourite jokes:
    What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
    Spoiler:

    Somewhat out of date now though, because 
    "What's the difference between the Pope and Michael Jackson?
    The Pope is dead."
  • Dark Soldier
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    Justify brotha!
  • Just heard they have found a cure for dyslexia, that's music to my arse......


    Bloke from leeds sorting a headstone for his recent departed wife he tells the mason to put "here lies Margaret she was thine"...pops back it reads "here lies margaret she was thin" ....you've missed the E off he says...sorry i'll sort it says the guy...goes back next day " here lies margaret e she was thin"

    Went to the doctor today. He told me I have hypochondria! I said "oh not that as well"

     

    Yorkshiremans dog dies so he decided to get a statue made of it. He visits a jewelers in Leeds and said 'I would like a gold statue made of my dog please'. The jeweler says 'Do you want it 18 carat?". Yorkshireman says 'Nay you daft bugger, I want it chewing bone"

      

    I met up with a tranvestite from greater manchester, he had a wigan address..
       

    My next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line

    I nearly shit her pants

        

    I've just been over to visit my mother in law. When I got there 6 men where giving her a good kicking. Her neighbour shouted to me are you going to help. I thought about it then thought no 6 should be enough
      

    Just tried to STEAL a big turkey from Asda.
    Security Man ran after me shouting "hey what you doing with that?"
    So i shouted back "potatoes, peas, carrots and gravy you nosey bastard"
      

    Got stopped by a woman in the town today who was doing a survey about dwarfs. She asked me what I knew about them and I said "very little".

    A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
    He says, "This is Amanda."
    His dad jumps up. "It's a fucking what?"

    Walked past the farm today and the farmer said, 'I've got 68 sheep, can you help me round them up?' I said, 'Aye, you've got 70.'
    My girlfriend just left me for being too self-obsessed.

    You should have seen the look on my face.
  • I'm afraid the only SA Goldmine I've ever spent time with is FYAD's.
  • metagonzo
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    A man's about to tee off on the first hole of a round of golf when a funeral procession passes by on the nearby road. He lowers his club, removes his hat and solemnly watches the procession pass by. 
    His companion turns to him and says "In all my time as a golfer, that's the most touching thing I've even seen."
    As the man prepares to resume his drive he responds, "Well; I was married to her for 40 years."
    XBL, iOS, Steam: metagonzo
  • acemuzzy
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    Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.



    That's my token contribution done and dusted.
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