I've been very lucky with my parents.  Both from fortunate background themselves, but both avoided taking it for granted, with very strong left-wing rather than right-wing tendencies.

My Dad was born to Christian missionaries in the foothills of the Himalayas, nearly died of malaria as a toddler, then went to boarding school from four back in the UK (so yeah, his childhood sucked from a seeing-his-parents point of view - they later moved to Jerusalem, Hong Kong and Deseronto, Ontario..., but he had a caring extended family etc.).  

My Mum's parents met at Bletchley Park and themselves have a very interesting history.  She grew up in Sussex (vague acquaintances with Camilla Parker-Bowles, not any more thank god!), her dad by then a lawyer and things like a tennis court in the garden.  Alright for some!

They were both lucky enough to meet at Cambridge, my mum studying maths (in one of the few women's colleges back then), my dad anthropology.  She was initially a teacher, then did a PhD just after I was born, and is no professor of maths at King's London (quite helpful for my homework, back in the day...), while he was initially a prison warden, then civil servant, with an amazing range of roles (privatisation of british steel; airport noise regulations (as part of which he ended up seeing Princess Di getting changed mid-flight to a conference somewhere); telling Mandie he had to resign when the housing loan thing broke; and most recently being in charge of the Company Law re-write from about a decade ago).

They both had very strong morals - not in an overbearing way, just in a way that reflects what I'm still happy to comfortably call right and wrong.  They were happy to pay tax, hated the tories, etc. (obviously interesting for my dad, given how closely he had to work with some of them!).  Lovers of Italy, I benefited from many a fine holiday, including driving round the north on the back of a motorbike aged 16.  And they've also been very generous to me individually in terms of getting on the housing ladder etc.

My dad was a keen monroe bagger, getting his final one in early 2009.  Fit as a fiddle.  He got ill before my wedding (August 2009), however, and mid-return-journey from honeymoon I learned he had cancer.  Six weeks later he was dead.  My mum's been amazingly strong since, as has my wife, despite her dad also dying of cancer, less than a year after that (and being buried the very day my first daughter was born, which, four years later, I still haven't got my head round).   But that's made the family an even tighter unit than we were before, and my love for my mum, sister, and wife keeps growing (as well as my kids of course).

Was round at my mum's today in fact.  She cooks yummy food, is better at crosswords than me, and recently helped found a school (http://www.kcl.ac.uk/mathsschool/Home.aspx).  

She has a very proud son.

I lost my father last summer and I still haven't really got over it. Like much of the men of that generation he was a titan - had TB in his early 20s when he laboured on the railway and had to go to hospital for a couple of years after they opened up his back, removed some of his ribs and cut away the parts of his lungs that were infected. The scars left on his back were as thick as your fingers and ran down the entire length of his back - it was incredible looking and he hated people seeing them as he loathed the sympathy they evoked in people. There wasn't a doctor who didn't gasp on first seeing them. He also had a round shaped scar you could put for finger into that was nail deep - must have been a tube hole.

Despite all that he led a fairly active life and worked for decades as a crane driver in the shipyard - he walked the legs off us on a Sunday and he died at 75 from respiratory problems. He gave up cigarettes in his 30s but he smoked a pipe for a while before progressing to snuff before kicking it altogether. He also had a weakness for drink - and once he gave up work it took over - he eventually forwent all drink save vodka - which I believe is the tipple of choice for those wanting to hit the spot as soon as possible. The drink stole him from me - a man who was interested in everything became interested in less and less. His failing breathing probably didn't help his mental health either and as the years progressed and he was a shadow of himself in later years, but I still miss the bastard.

He lived in the shadow of Huntingtons which took his father at 40 and his sister at under 30 and I suspect the fear of it showing up in him and us was at least partially behind the drinking. Even once we got the all clear when new genetic tests were available in the 90s he never really got over it.

He and my mother supported me in 3rd level education and he endured a job he hated to put food on the table with rarely a cross word to anyone. I only wish I could be a fraction of what he was. I never let him know what I thought of him and I will regret that for the rest of my life. If you still have your parents make damn sure they know you love them.

My mother is still going strong at 70. After knee replacements and bypasses she is a dynamo and is very active in the community. She misses my dad terribly after nearly 50 year of marriage but she keeps busy and there are 4 of us who keep in touch as we all live close by.

This is much for cathartic reasons as anything else, but here goes.

I've mentioned my dad on here previously. I could write lots about his failings but this is probably the lowest point. I received this to my work email this morning. No introduction/greeting - just exactly as it is.

"Over 10 years ago when I lent you 10,000 pounds, to enable you to purchase (redacted address) I hoped that I would never have to ask you to repay the loan or even come up with a repayment proposal/plan. I am now in a position where I need that money desperately.

I am only working part time and am paid the minimum wage. Julie's employment with Sun Trust came to an end at the end of July, as they no longer employ "remote" workers and she can no longer support us. Julie is still suffering a great deal of pain and is having to take narcotics daily, which, even if she could travel, prevent her from obtaining new employment in the near future. We have to maintain payments on the house and all the utilities as well as the enormous cost of health insurance which Sun Trust used to cover

Julie's sister Jill has terminal cancer and this Christmas, if she makes it, will be her last. Julie needs to be with her sister to comfort her through her final weeks and do everything she can for her.

As you can see Julie is going through an incredible amount of stress from many directions.

Please let me know when you can repay the loan as soon as possible.

I hope you, Mrs Stoph (my edit) and the boys are all well and enjoying life.

Love Dad"


I'm just gobsmacked. He totally neglects to mention the 14 months he lived rent-free in my house, without contributing towards food or bills. He then did the same with my younger brother. He came over in the Summer and I organised a meal at Bodeans for his wife's birthday along with the family. I got a cake especially made, sorting out a special coeliacs menu and a bar after. He didn't turn up and instead tried to get us all to go to Covent Garden instead. An hour after we had waited for them at a pub near Bodeans. No apology. No gratitude. I obviously didn't go. It was nearly nine and my kids hadn't eaten.

I think this is the final straw and that a little something has died today. I'm going to email him back and tell him exactly what I think of his request. For too long he's manipulated the love and affection of others. He's seen my kids very infrequently, even when he was living in the UK and I won't allow them to be impacted by his selfishness. I was in two minds to reply to him through Facebook so everybody could see what a wanker he is, but I not that kind of person. It annoys me that he's even got me considering it.

Bloody hell, I really don't know what to say about that Stoph. The use of terminal illness to elicit a guilt response in you is particularly reprehensible.

I've got very negative feelings about my dad, but not sure typing them out here will help, they've been there for decades.

Yeah, I think that saddest thing about the message is the formality of it all.

I've been so lucky with my parents. A Scottish protestant father, now agnostic, from a privileged background, albeit one with a history of alcoholism, and a northern Irish Catholic mother from a farm background, whose father died when she was four and was raised knowing hard work.

Both went to uni, dad a history grad and mum a nurse. And since they met, they've been so in love and family focused. Due to their backgrounds, and getting married in 1981, there were people against the wedding due to the troubles. The priest who was to marry them in Northern Ireland did a runner on the day of the wedding to try and sabotage it, so they had to get married last minute in Belfast.

My mum smoked a lot. A lot. According to my dad when she found out thar she was pregnant with my sister she quit immediately. Sums up everything my parents have ever done.

The first real book my dad got me aged 5 was a monster encyclopedia of Greek and Romano myth and we've always been treated like people with our own. Personalities. Pop culture freedom of expression was fully endorsed and paid for, whether dalliances with pop, rock punk or whatever. We were fully encouraged artistically, both of us learning piano aged 7 then learning multifarious instruments and doing private drama and art lessons. There was never a discussion of whether er would go to uni or not - it was simply what we were studying.

We were well travelled too. Before we moved to the states we had been to Canada, 10 states in America, France. Belgium, Spain, Australia, new Zealand, and Sweden.

I can sum up my parents push to cultural joys with a simple anecdote - the children's menu was never a part of our lives. It was always adults. We have always been told to be our own people, never wanted for anything and loved and encouraged creatively and academically. In short, I owe my parents everything and need to step up when little H comes.

Sorry to hear about the situation Stoph and I hope it all somehow gets sorted. Reg, your parents sound awesome.

I have always been close with my parents. Dad is the most stubborn man alive but also the most caring and thoughtful person I have ever met. Mum was an absolute trooper. Always looking after us children and supporting us throughout anything and everything. She would be welcoming to everyone and always put others needs before her own. Sadly she suffered with an early onset of dementia and had to be put into care a year ago. Since then we could only watch her situatiom deteriorate rapidly over the past year. She passed away on Thursday and I am just devestated.

Dad was by her side every single day until the end.

Sorry to hear that Aaron. Hope you're okay.

Ah shit Aaron, that's terrible.

condolences

g.man

 
Hugz all round folks.

Sorry to hear the news Aaron.

same to Stoph as well. Parents can have you facepalming all the way to bedtime sometimes.

djchump wrote:

 
Hugz all round folks.

This.

Aaroncupboard wrote:

Sorry to hear about the situation Stoph and I hope it all somehow gets sorted. Reg, your parents sound awesome. I have always been close with my parents. Dad is the most stubborn man alive but also the most caring and thoughtful person I have ever met. Mum was an absolute trooper. Always looking after us children and supporting us throughout anything and everything. She would be welcoming to everyone and always put others needs before her own. Sadly she suffered with an early onset of dementia and had to be put into care a year ago. Since then we could only watch her situatiom deteriorate rapidly over the past year. She passed away on Thursday and I am just devestated. Dad was by her side every single day until the end.

Aaron, that puts my situation into perspective. Sounds like your parents are very special and I hope the loss gets easier for both you and your father. I hope to be the role model to my kids that your parents were to you. 

Thanks for the kind words guys. I've still got a superb mum, step-mum and step-mum's boyfriend typee bloke who are around and hugely supportive. The formality of what my dad wrote and his continuing parasitical nature is what's most upsetting. I'm in 2 minds as to whether to give him some money and wash my hands of him. He's an emotional, financial and ethical drain on the family.

Sorry to hear it Aaron. Best wishes for you and your family.

And good luck Stoph.

I always found it weird finding out the older, seemingly dependable, people of the world were regular folks too, for good or bad. I guess it's all part of growing up.