Bullshitter Thread. Post ya bullshitters here
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  • Dark Soldier
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    Following on from the wonderful, developing chat in General Games, post the tales of the biggest bullshiters you have ever known. Perhaps YOU are the bullshitter. No judgement here.

    Perhaps your mate Alan once punched a whale to death.

    Perhaps your co-worker Barry invented Bitcoin.

    Perhaps your Grandad shot Hitler.

    Come one and all.

    I would quote post the tales so far but I am shit at phones so if someone could be a legend and do so, I will call you a legend.
  • Me Ma remains adamant that me great great grandfather invented the zebra crossing. But somebody else stole the idea and got all the credit for it.

    Crap invention anyway.
  • Matt Ingram told everyone in my year that his mum worked for the CIA. She was actually a cleaner at school. He also went to Old Trafford in a helicopter.

    Nick Marshall told us he was scouted by Barcelona when on holiday but had to come home
    He also said he was banned from football in Germany for life after beating up a referee. We were Year 9.
  • regmcfly
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    My pal Sean told me he (at the age of 10) was making sonic levels because he was really good at them and apparently "sega" were hiring him
  • Guy I worked with years ago once told us on the train after work that he invented his own martial art, joined a dojo and got banned "because I'm too dangerous".

    Same guy told us he read a whole book on a train once, short journey. We asked how he managed to read it all in like 20 mins, "fast eyes mate".


    I still say 'fast eyes mate' from time to time to people even though I'm the only one who gets the reference. Classic.
  • Older brother's mate when I was a kid told me there was an Action Force porno, where Duke was railing Scarlett and you got to see it go in and everything.
  • Dark Soldier
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    My cousin convinced me wrestlers in the WWF (as it was back then) actually killed each other in the ring at pay per views. That was why you had to pay to watch those shows. This was before we had Sky and the only reference to it I had was the odd magazine.

    Apparently Barbarian once killed a member of the audience too
  • I am Legend.
    b0r1s wrote:
    Every school had a bulshitter. We had a guy that claimed his dad got stopped by the police for speeding in his Maserati (we all lived on council estates) and let him off because of how well he drove.
    this talk reminds me of Sean fucking Smallbones, who successfully tricked a dozen or so of us with the worlds most outrageous lie back in year 3.  It was his first day at school, and I guess in an effort to make new friends he told all the boys that i) he had every Nintendo and Sega console ever including all portables, and ii) he has such large quantities of these consoles that he would be happy to sell us each the consoles of our choice for a price that ranged from 10p - 20p each.  Ten to twenty pence! For any console I wanted! I fucking lost my mind, and had him put me down for one of each. I remember arguing with my parents who told me he wouldn't deliver on any of these promises, but I wasn't having any of it. I knew he would come through. What a legend. We all wanted to be his best friend.  But then the web of lies began to unravel. He had pledged to get us our consoles by the end of the week but come Friday none had been delivered. Okay no worries he assured us they would come through next week, but they didn't, nor the week after that. Some of us were growing concerned. Then one day he arrived with some tragic news. It turns out he was keeping his stockpile of consoles in a giant skip outside his house that was covered with a blanket, but he forgot that also his dad was keeping petrol there too for the car, and unfortunately his dad was smoking a cigarette and when he finished he threw the cigarette behind him without looking and there was a huge explosion  and everything was on fire. and so unfortunately he would no longer be able to provide us consoles at space raiders prices /:
    tin_robot wrote:
    b0r1s wrote:
    Every school had a bulshitter.
    There was a brief period when I was at primary school where the bullshitter was me.  I sort of "discovered" lying one day, having been previously convinced that everyone would always be able to tell if I was bullshitting, and I went slightly mad with power. The period began, and ultimately ended, with the tale of my Mum getting shot in the leg. (A story that has become so infamous amongst friends and family that I think I committed a version in verse to the Childs Play book we did a decade ago.  Certainly there's a version somewhere.)  The non-rhyming version is this... One day I was mucking about with friends waiting to go in after break. We'd been playing a game where we were all spies, and we were imagining we had to rescue our parents from the IRA.  (What can I say, we were kids, and the TV talked about the IRA constantly at the time).  Anyway, the teacher was suitably irritated by us continuing to cause disruption in the line, and asked me what we were talking about. To which I replied, semi-honestly, that we were talking about how my Mum had been shot in the leg. The teacher's attitude changed immediately from anger to concern, and I realised that pointing out that she hadn't really been shot, and that I was just describing the game, was unlikely to work in my favour. So I maintained the charade. It continued for quite a while.  There was a special assembly in honour of my Mum.  Prayers were said. I got an easy ride whenever I did anything wrong. It was great.   For a period, I was King.  And, as I say, drunk on power I started to spin more tales.  For instance, within a very short period I'd convinced the whole school that a monster definitely lived in the ditch behind the hedge (several others claimed to have seen it).  Everything was going swimmingly, until the fateful day of the School Sponsored Walk. The sponsored walk was an annual thing, and I always looked forward to it. Yes, you had to trudge 10 miles, but there were stops along the way for drinks and snacks, there were people giving out free gifts, and at the end my Mum (who always lagged behind) would buy us ice cream.  For some reason it never occurred to me that this year might be different.  So I waited at the end of the walk, brimming over with anticipation for ice cream, every now and again warning one kid or another not to get too close to the hedge.   Finally she appeared - walking much faster than usual, her face bright red, and her strides long and purposeful. I suddenly realised I was in deep trouble. She - rightly - made me confess everything there and then in front of the assembled masses, having spent a large part of the walk being stopped by parents and teachers alike who wanted to comment on her immense bravery "doing such a long walk after everything that happened".  Having made me confess to the assembled hordes, she then loudly proclaimed that she didn't know who she was more disappointed in. "My own son, or all of you idiots for believing him", before dragging me home in disgrace. After that I decided to restrict my penchant for tall tales to obvious fiction...
  • Ffs. Sorry. Nothing to see here.
  • Dah fuq?

    EDIT:  That's better.
  • My father would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark.
    Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy
    Not everything is The Best or Shit. Theres many levels between that, lets just enjoy stuff.
  • Dark Soldier
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    Unlkely you are a legend.
  • After our A levels we went on a road trip round Europe for the summer.  We ended up on a big night out in Krakow and we finished the night splitting up as two of the guys got chatting to some American students, one super hot and one (and I’m a little ashamed to say this) absolutely hideous.  I went off with the girl who was on the trip with us and the two guys stayed out all night. When they got back in one of them told us this big story about how he’d gone back to the prettiest girls apartment whilst Simon had passed out under a hedgerow. He explained how he’d lost his virginity that night with the drop dead gorgeous American and that they’d done it four or five times.
    Later that day we headed over to Auschwitz for a look around and as the day was drawing to a close my mate looked down the main road running through the centre and his face turned to absolute horror as the American girls approached us.  He begged us not embarrass him and mention the night before but I thought it best to fuck that noise and steam right in with nods and innuendos.  Eventually my mate could take it no more and turned and literally ran away at full speed.  Turned out he hadn’t had the night of his life with the hottie but had instead spent the night with the horrific one.  A night that, rather than an all night sesh of virginity losing sex x 4 or 5, involved him trying and then failing to get an erection and then, just to polish things off, mistaking a sneaky night time fart and shitting in the girls bed instead.  A wonderful day.
  • Yossarian
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    That is superb.
  • Never twist on 19.
  • Dark Soldier
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    A long time ago, when I was 17, I was chatting to a lass I met through Yahoo chat. She was in Crewe at uni, 19. A mature woman, a woman of experience. I still remember her username, 'Theresarumblyinmytumbly', and my opening message was taking the lyrics from Pretty Green Eyes by Force & Styles and switching them to whatever colour her eyes were. The song wasn't popular back then.

    We spoke for about 6 months and agreed to meet up. We hadn't seen each other outside of one pic each. Mine was leaning back in a topless pose on my mam's bed. Sexual healing. Welckme to the abbatoir.

    As this was the heady days of the Internet and nothing was a threat, I was to get the train and bus to her campus, then spend a few nights. Playing the old banjo, rolling the peperami, flooding the tunnel etc.

    Now in those six months I had told her constantly how sexually experienced I was. How I had shagged upwards of ten(10!) women. Bit of a player in the local area. Knew all the tricks, absolute master of a cunning linguist. She loved it. Pure manufactured, young lad rock steel bullshit.

    In reality I still hadn't kissed a lass that wasn't family, and spent most of my time playing Championship Manager, GTA3, and eating Pot Noodles.

    We met up, I looked like a fucking geek mess. Shit chinos, shirt from the market, big lumpy shoes. She did her best, played it down. But she seemed game for some treason. Bless her for it. She asked for a kiss and I gave her a peck on the lips. She looked confused. Later in the cinema she basically assaulted me and forced her tongue down my throat. Never felt owt like it.

    Back to hers, I ended up spending several minutes lapping at her fanny without a fucking clue, literally slobbing my tongue everywhere before she almost burst out laughing. Her thighs were that moist with my confused saliva it was like a fully basted chicken.

    But still, somehow, she let me go the whole way. Full on sex lads! Primed myself, harder than an Ascot scally on coke, and of course i didn't have a fucking clue where to put it. She did the duty, two thrusts later my kneecap slips to the side and back in and I'm in fucking agony, she's freaking out. Calm her down, my fucking beer bottle glasses steaming up.

    An hour or so later give it another crack, and I last well under a minute. She actually uttered 'is that it' as I rolled over. Triumphant. Majestic. A man.

    Later thay night feeling her arse on my thigh, I ended up secretly knocking one out in my boxers instead of, you know, seeing if she was in the mood.. She felt the damp patch, laughed and told me she woulda helped if I had asked. Cheeks flushed lads I tell ya.

    Needless to say I had the last laugh...I went home the next day when she had a class, she sent me some texts I ignored, and that was that. The birth, death, and rebirth of me being an absolute fucking stud.

  • When I was in primary school, we got a new classmate - literally the first Asian kid many of us had seen (it was the Scottish equivalent of the Midwest in the 80s, what can I say). He claimed, pretty much in his first week, that his uncle invented Pitta Bread - hoping, probably reasonably, that all those white kids would have no idea what the fuck he was talking about.
    Gamertag: gremill
  • DS, but also you Grem, just because x
  • I routinely go on a old videgame forum and pretend I'm an Irish lad called Dave who works as a chef and likes Pearl Jam but in reality I'm a Russian chatbot called Dennis.
    SFV - reddave360
  • b0r1s
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    DS literally living in an episode of The Inbetweeners.
  • Paul the sparky
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    I'm wondering who's going meta with it and making up some of this shit
  • I once killed a man.
  • I'm wondering who's going meta with it and making up some of this shit

    I once made up some shit on an internet.
  • b0r1s wrote:
    DS literally living in an episode of The Inbetweeners.

    Reads like Will... mixed with a bit of Neil.... but probably made up by Jay.
    SFV - reddave360
  • DS cheesing it up with Force & Styles. :D
    [quote=Skerret]Unless someone very obviously insults your loved ones with intent, take nothing here seriously.[/quote]
  • I occasionally get away with deadpan, bullshit explanations of things people have never heard of. My longest running one is my annoyance at people saying "Do bears shit in the woods?". I've explained to my wife that the original phrase is "Does the pope shit in the woods?" because nobody is allowed defecate within the holy confines of the Vatican. The pope must instead head to the nearby woods to dump. The Swiss guard are tasked with venturing out regularly to dig new squat holes.
    [quote=Skerret]Unless someone very obviously insults your loved ones with intent, take nothing here seriously.[/quote]
  • I particularly enjoy lying to children.
  • Lies make baby jesus cry.
    SFV - reddave360
  • Yossarian
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    That’s the best bit of lying.
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