I'm down in 17th place.

My early wildcard usage (2nd week) has somewhat backfired, now everything I do to try and improve my team just makes it worse. For these reasons I feel I'm not fit to provide weekly updates, the shame is just too much. I'm still above DJR, obviously, but the fact there's only a few points & places between us shows how dreadfully this fantasy season has gone (for me, DJR's failure was all too predictable). To even be in the same half of the table as Danchester United is tantamount to an admission of footballing failure. In less enlightened times a man would be made to go outside to the old barn and tie a noose around his neck for such things, with his family gleefully cheering him on.

The Table (though I can barely bring myself to look at it):



Ironically Last Place are in first place, a sign of how literally the form book has been turned on it's head.

The rest - Well what can you say? Frankly, most forums would be embarrassed to be seen amongst such a collection of fantasy footballing failures, but it's a sign of the shameless nature of the B 'n' B and it's undignified rabble of posters that we all haven't withdrawn our teams in disgust. Except DJR obviously, who's having quite a good season by his own low standards.

I've used a pictorial table to show the top five, using my own personal favourite aircraft of World War 2 as the theme:

1. Last Place

Me 262



2. 11 Desperate Men

Supermarine Spitfire



3. GK Defmidatt FC

P-38 Lightning



4. Burton Brewers

Dornier Do 335



5. Cunning Stunts

DeHavilland Mosquito



...21st place - Danchester United

That's the spirit.

I've not used any buffs yet, do you only get one a season or are they rest at January?

Took a 15-point hit on transfers last week after messing up my wild card. Have a fairly solid team and bench now so shouldn't need to make any drastic changes.

How many of you have used your bonuses?

29pts? Poor show. I blame Spurs (I have 3 City players). Although I'm glad my team won. 

Not looked at bonuses.

I'm on 70 too, considered playing my double captain buff as well.

I thought I had a good week, swapped Wilson for Aguero, made him captain instead of Hazard. Checked points and I hadn't confirmed my skipper change so that sucks. Got four or five players today so hopefully so goodness to come, I want hat tricks for Dier, Ings and Gomis

Yup, my run of a couple of weeks at the top was good while it lasted lol.

Wayne Rooney: The Man behind The Rug



As part of the promotional duties for his BBC documentary Wayne Rooney: The Man Behind The Goals I've managed to blag us an exclusive column for the B 'n' B Fantasy League Thread. Exciting, no? It's like when Prankster interviewed the Icarus Line all those years ago.

Helo. I am Waine Rooney, the man behind the goles. I am happy to bee riting this colomn.

Teh leege is very tite this sesan, as you can see. Like teh Premer Leage what I am playing in myself. We ad a bad result on sunday but we need to bounce back. the lads are all gutted, asspecially me, I thought I was not on my game and I know I neeed to be, the boss has told me that. "You need to be on yer game, Wayne" he said "Alright gaffer" I said.

At halftime the gaffer said to me "Wayne, youre not on your game today" ... "I know" I said, "sorry gaffer, I'll be better next half". But I wasn't. In football your gonna 'ave days like that. Yesterday was one of those days. As they say.

"You're gonna have days like that" said the gaffer. "I know" I said to the boss.



Anyway. Looking at the Bare and Bidger league we can see that the leege is tighte, as they often are. It tite at the top, as they say. It's tite at the top of this leeg as 11 desperate men and last place are both 1st, which is great for them an bad for the others. All the rest of youse are doin okay but not as well as them 2 are doing.

Thanks very much.

Waine Rooney. x

p.s - I av done you all a picture. It is off me scoring a gol!

here it is:



The fans are happy cuz I done a gole. "Wayne, you done a gole!" they are shouting. I am happy to score a gole.

Cheers Wayne!

Excellent

I'm starting to take my rightful place near the bottom. That'll learn me for getting rid of Sanchez who I had as captain even at the start of the season.

So I played my wildcard this week.. and got 20 points. YES! Most of my new team played!  brilliant.

Same.

JoseMoaninho provides our (once) weekly update.

A fiery Portuguese Fantasy Football player known for his outspoken views and steadfast refusal to accept the rules of the games governing body he has often been called before the Fantasy Football ethics and behaviour committee to answer on his questionable decisions.

A master of mind games Jose often psychs out his opponents by posting doctored screen shots of his team, luring them into changed their own squads in order to complete with the wily foreigner and his imaginary squad, he boasts of once tricking former England manager Graham Taylor into changing his Daily Mirror Fantasy team to include Emile Heskey, Bruno Cheyrou and Eric Djemba-Djemba.

Listen to the words of the master:

The Table:



"The Table. All that matters in fantasy football, I'd sell my own mother to finish first in this table, and so should you. Put your mother on e-bay, free yourself from that distraction. These are the kinds of sacrifices the dedicated fantasy football player must make. My own mother questioned my selection of Mark Noble several seasons ago. I haven't seen her since. I don't miss her."

"Before the season is over, and I am crowned champion I am already thinking of my next triumph, best player in Portugal was easy, best player in Europe soon followed, then I was best in the world. I always push myself, harder and harder, always the quest for glory ... I moved to Ethiopa purely so I could claim to be the best Fantasy Football player in Africa. I lived through a drought, with just a handful of grain, some rainwater and my laptop with my fantasy football log-in details and my detailed player analysis software for company. I triumphed. So should you."

"That is why they call me the special one, I am special I guess. No one else has done what I have achieved in Fantasy Football. The world is so competitive, aggressive, selfish and during the time we spend here we must be all be that. And more. They may call you a twat, a cunt, an arrogant arsehole, a prick, a stain on the game of football ... but they will respect you."

"This table fills me with nothing but contempt, for the players of this game, for the players of the real game of football, for human beings themselves. Foolish creatures, distracted from Fantasy Football glory by friends, family, loved ones ... such weak scum. Scum like James Taylor, leading the table on 560 points. Fair do's you might think, but no, I will not accept this. He can work harder, he can do more. He is a specialist in failure, for him leading the table and having 560 points is a good day, for me it is just average, ordinary, nothing."

"Pathetico Madrid. Second place, 554 points. Their name tells me all I need to know about the team and the man who leads it. My first team was called 'The Eternal Glory of Jose Moaninho', my second, even better team was named: 'Jose Moaninho's cock is your God'. Proud names, football names. Pathetico Madrid? Pah!"

"Neil Grace, third place. Neil Grace is a man I have no respect for, he is not me. I am Jose Moaninho and I don't change. I arrive with all my qualities and my defects, and my shoes. I have nice shoes. Better shoes than Neil Grace. Like shoes like mind - mine are shiny, finely made and brightly polished, his are dull and worn out from overuse. I will not speak of this man."

"I was nine or 10 years old when my father was sacked on Christmas Day. He was an under-12's manager in Portugal, the results had not been good, he lost a game on December 22 or 23. On Christmas Day, the telephone rang and he was sacked in the middle of our lunch. I agreed with that decision. I felt nothing but pity for my Father, much as I do for Keith Short of Burtons Brewers. He is fourth place, he is nothing. He is worse than my Father, my Father at least bought me presents. This man, this Keith Short? He brought me nothing but failure and disappointment!"

"The rest of the table? These maggots, these losers. these men do not deserved the credit of my words. But special mention for Dan Robson of Danchester United. Many years ago, you thought you were the equal of me, my nemesis, you thought you were worthy of being mentioned in the same sentence as me. I said then that time will tell, and now that bell has tolled. I look upon your pitiful Fantasy Football results and smile. My friend, you are finished."

"I am Jose Moaninho, the special one - my players are behind me, my chairman is behind me, and soon you will be behind me, in the league table..."

I had Ighalo on the bench as Martial was shockingly played out of position by tactical genius LVG again.