Brooks wrote:

I particularly enjoy lying to children.

For years i had my kids convinced that an old bloke in a red suit would break into the house once a year to leave them presents...but only if they were good.

Yossarian wrote:

That’s the best bit of lying.

You monster.

Dipped in what

Ah, man’s favourite dessert of delicious boiling pineapple.

I can only assume they were boiling the pineapple to put on pizza in which case two crimes were committed that day. Food and child abuse.

yea I fainted my face into a bowl of freshly boiled pineapple, which I had collected from the buffet of a Restaurant called Billabong in Dorking. I was going there with a friend to celebrate his birthday. The novelty of this place was that you could supposedly sample the authentic Aussie cuisine of crocodile and kangaroo, which I probably should have done, but instead I chose the all you can eat buffet as this was the first I'd heard of such an arrangement and my friend and I were both determined to beat the system and bankrupt the place with our appetites. 

Anyway as my friend's parents were paying my friend insisted none of us eat anything for the day leading up so that we could all get the best value for his money. I happened to be staying at his the night before too, so it was easy for him to enforce this. So that's pretty much what happened, and we all arrived at the restaurant hungry as fuck. Also it was the hottest day of the year. Also also the air con was broken and it was super busy and hideously uncomfortable inside, like a hot car. The whole atmosphere left me feeling queasy. 

I was not accustomed to hunger like this, so on my first trip to the buffet I just gave in to my bodily craving for sugar and sweetness, and piled a bowl full of nothing but pineapple. I desperately just needed some energy to sustain myself. I would have gladly eaten it cold there and then but a member of staff took the pineapple bowl from my hands and flung it down on a big boiling plate thing where the chef would slosh it around until it boiled. I was too shy and polite to interrupt. He then scooped it back into the bowl, handed it back to me, and I returned to my seat. Except I didn't make it because somewhere along the way I fainted and my face went right into the bowl of hot fruit. I came around with waiters and waitresses fussing over me. they put a plaster on me (big mistake. In the coming days I had to peel this off a giant blister), commended my bravery, fetched me another bowl of pineapple (yay) and I sat down again to finish my meal.

I don't think anyone at the time knew how bad my burn actually was, otherwise they would have taken me straight to hospital. This only became clear about an hour later. My mum was really pissed at my friend's parents for how this all transpired.

My daughter was born with a birth mark in the fold of her left elbow. It’s faded away now but was fairly prominent for the first 6 or 7 years. She didn’t like it and said a boy had made fun of it at school. I didn’t like this so I told her it was a magic button that could change the tv channel. She didn’t believe me so I took her to the tv and stood behind her changing the channel with the remote control every time she pressed her arm. She was in awe of this new found power and went and told everyone at school. People didn’t believe her and there was a big hullabaloo but her teacher was smart enough to piece her reasoning together (and probably what she’d been told by me at home) and so one afternoon took the whole class to the tv room and made Evie stand up and change the channel by pressing her arm, whilst she stood at the back of the room changing the channel for her exactly as I’d done at home.

Aw that's brilliant

Very sweet

I broke a little finger playing football in my mid-20s and stupidly tried to mend it with a lolly stick splint rather than get it checked out.  This resulted in it setting at an unnatural angle, plus I wasn't able to bend it.  So I eventually took my wonky useless finger to the doctors and ended up having it re-broken (and re-set) in hospital.  It's still wonky but it works reasonably well now.  It was all worth it for three reasons.  1) Six weeks (SIX) off work, full pay, because I feed pieces of paper through a machine for a living and need two hands to do it.  The finger had pins stuck in it and they didn't take them out for ages, so I just sat at home playing World of Goo one-handed (said Randy Marsh). 2) The initial story got me into the Offline/Offline bit of the Edge mag when I told it on the forum many years ago, and 3) I now get to relentlessly lie to my daughter about how I broke it.  She used to be desperate to know the truth but these days she can't bear it when I start to segue into another outlandish 'that reminds me of how I broke my finger', and I absolutely will not stop ever.

And how was it?

I think I might have posted this already, but few weeks ago I told my girlfriend her name was French for gullible, and she actually believed me! This was especially funny because she actually speaks French fluently too.

Fuck I have loads more if times i tricked my girlfriend count

This has reminded me of the time the last Harry Potter book came out. A lad at work called Rick was a massive fan, and had bought the book from the Smiths across the way from the shop before the start of his shift, and so hadn't had chance to read it yet. The manager told him Hermione dies in it, which he didn't believe, assuming that he was just trying to wind him up. The manager mentioned this to me as I was signing in, so I smirked "I'll get him".

When I went upstairs, Rick was on his lunch, and the book was on the table. I said something like "Oh I don't like that new new Harry Potter, they shouldn't have killed Hermione". He was in an absolutely raging foul mood for the rest of the day, believing we had spoiled the book for him. He came in the next day having read it and finding she does not in fact die, and called us fuckers.

davyK wrote:

A mate of mine is/was the greatest bullshitter for larks I have ever known. His 2nd best is the time he told a girl in work who had just got a new Rolex it was a shame about the time system going metric . reducing her to floods of tears. His #1 was the time he told a girl in the pub that he was a jockey (he is of a jockey stature). He had her on all fours in the bar with him on her back, showing everyone how to sit on a racing horse.  The crowd left the place with the name of a fictional horse as a hot tip.

We can only aspire to this tier of pantomime, wow.

My neighbour here is a constant bullshitter. He told us that when he attended his son's graduation ceremony at Essex University, the degrees were handed out by a member of the royal family. After the ceremony, said royal told everyone to leave except his son and demanded that he fetch his father because he had to meet the man who'd raised this remarkable boy.

My wife tells random lies sometimes - random enough that they might work despite the implausibility. Like when I phoned her from work years ago and she told me she'd met Michael Schumacher in a cafe in Warwick, who was in town with his family visiting the castle. I was fully intending to tell my colleagues about this before she admitted it was a lie.

On the other hand, when she was much younger she believed when her cousin told her that Dolph Lungren is actually he-man and lives in the Amazon jungle. So, yeah.