- Knock knock.


- Come in.

Why can't Stevie wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

Two elephants fall of a cliff

BOOM BOOM!

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. This is not unusual as the probability of this happening in the UK is reasonably high, given the proximity of the three countries to each other and hundreds of years of cultural mixing and cross-border migration.

I don't get it.

Predictive text?

[/tells a funny joke]

What's green and has wheels?


Grass.
I lied about the wheels.

No, no, that won't do at all. Fans blow air; air blows wind turbines. They're the very opposite of fans of any size. Your punchline should read, "Not a big fan of big wind turbines."

What do I think of wind turbines as a source of renewable energy? I think they are a blot on our countryside, and I'd much rather see investment into tidal and solar energy technologies, as well as tackling the incredible wastage in the system.

A wind turbine walks into a bar.  The barman yells "get the FUCK out!", and the wind turbine leaves.  A customer sat at the bar asks the barman "why did you do that?", to which the barman replies...."because last time it got pissed and started wind-milling on the dancefloor and scratched all the authentic fake wooden beams on the ceiling"

How do you bake a potato?

Wash the potatoes well, dry them, and prick several times with a fork. Pour some olive oil into your hands and rub over the potatoes, then scatter over some sea salt which should stick to the oil. Place directly on the shelf in a preheated the oven at 200C/400F/Gas 6 and bake for 1¼-1½ hours, depending on the size of the potato. When cooked, the potato should be golden-brown and crisp on the outside and give a little when squeezed. Serve split open with a topping of yor choice. I usually go for tuna and mayonnaise or baked beans and coleslaw.

krs wrote:

How do you bake a potato? Wash the potatoes well, dry them, and prick several times with a fork. Pour some olive oil into your hands and rub over the potatoes, then scatter over some sea salt which should stick to the oil. Place directly on the shelf in a preheated the oven at 200C/400F/Gas 6 and bake for 1¼-1½ hours, depending on the size of the potato. When cooked, the potato should be golden-brown and crisp on the outside and give a little when squeezed. Serve split open with a topping of yor choice. I usually go for tuna and mayonnaise or baked beans and coleslaw.

Inserting a metal skewer before you put them in the oven helps cook them beautifully right through to the middle.

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears ablood-curdling scream.He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!
_____________________________________________
Two men went hunting when one fell and became unconscious. His friend panicked and called 911.

Friend: "Help, my friend has fallen and I think he might be dead."

Operator: "Don't be alarmed. He might be still alive. First check and make sure he's dead."

*Sound of a gunshot*

Friend: "Okay. Now what?"