I work with someone that had a delivery in Windsor from Ascot, about a fifteen minute drive. He somehow got on the motorway and went the entire way round the M25 before returning to the yard five hours later, handing his keys in and getting his marching orders.

A friend at school once had difficulty attaching the gas canister to his camping stove, so decided to hold it over the fire to see it better.  It did not end well.

trippy wrote:

nick_md wrote:

Too many threads confuse me. Stop confusing me, person.

You can handle 1512 threads but mine broke the camel's back? Apologies.

Now I'm less drunk I can also handle this one.

Watching other people cross roads can be amusing/baffling/horrifying.  Most people have got the hang of it, but every now and then you see someone struggling with the gist of it.  I saw a woman push a pram out at a T junction last week without glancing to her left for cars turning right.  Low and behold, a car was turning right, and she got an earful as the driver whizzed past.  She reversed the buggy back up to the pavement, then without looking blootered forwards again, as if the previous car was an anomaly, only this time a second car had to screech to a halt as she trundled onwards, cursing. 

Hopefully she was just pushing cans, but if there was a baby in there I don't fancy its chances.

We drew a cock on someone's face at a party after he'd passed out then thought it was so good we would all sign it.

Meant he and his parents knew exactly who had done it.

One of my flat mates in a student flat I stayed in had a bit of a cleanliness issue, where he'd routinely leave food on plates hidden around the house rather than just put it in the bin and wash up like any normal person.

This often caused subsequent issues with flies in the summer. One particularly hot summer, I returned from work to find that the Hoover was lying in the hall with tinfoil over the end of the tube.

WTF, I thought - well at least someone had actually bothered to do the hoovering. Picking it up to put it away, I removed the tinfoil and was rewarded with an Amityville-esque blast to the face of angry bluebottles. Hundreds of the fuckers.

It transpired that Scott and his equally idiotic mate Andy had been in the house during a mass hatching of flies, most likely from the rotting foodstuffs left in the kitchen. They'd surmised that the 'Ghostbusters' approach to pest control would work and had sucked the lot up, sealed them in and then fucked off to the pub.

The stuff of nightmares.

Cretins.

An ex girlfriend of mine had never cleaned her bathroom and called me over (we were exes at this point too) out of the blue as she'd found a whole stack of blackflies in her bathroom.

There was a nest behind her sink.

Sprayed a can of raid in, hoovered them up, and destroyed the nest.

Never went back to her flat again.

This thread has taken a stomach churningly disgusting turn. I blame Gremill.

A friend of mine moved into a nice flat that was sharing with two recent graduates from affluent areas of Dublin.

After the first month he got told what his share of the electricity bill was and it was huge.

Turns out, they'd left the heating on 24/7 and just turned off the radiators in the rooms.

Way back when I lived in Xian I lived in an apartment, located on the middle of a public park.

During this time I'd often get international calls from my family or my girlfriend at the time. Unfortunately, the reception in my room was proper duff, so I'd often have to leave the building to be able to answer calls clearly on my mobile phone. The building was an open-from-the-inside jobby - you'd have to knock and wait for security to open the door for you.

Anyway, one morning I get a call slightly earlier than usual after a night on the sauce, so I quickly put on my jeans and a T-shirt and go outside to talk to the missus. At this time of the morning (about 7am) a lot of old Chinese people are already in the park practicing Tai Chi, opera and doing their morning exercises. The poor reception combined with some of the old fuckers practicing opera means that it was kinda hard to hear the lady and I was speaking a bit louder than I would normally do, drawing attention to myself at a time when it was less commom to see foreigners in China.

Long story short, a while into the convo I realise a lot of the old people have stopped doing what they're doing and are just staring at me.
Thinking them rude I just ignore them, that is until I looked down.

In my tired and groggy haze I had managed to put on some jeans, but forgotten to zip them up. So I had been walking in circles, shouting down the phone, while my cock hung out, for a good few minutes. To make things worse, I had to wait several minutes while the security guard got up and got dressed to let me back in. Mortifying.

Good job that call didn't get a bit racy, eh?

A friend of mine was stopped by his wife as he was going to wash their car.
He had a pan scourer in his hand.

"You're going to use the soft side to wash the car, aren't you dear?"

"Of course I am."

If I could remember everything she said, I could fill this thread with quotes from one of the girls at college.  Last week she asked if Pancake Tuesday was on a Sunday this year.  And she flipped her lid when she found out that Jim was short for James.

Yeah, "mate".

The name alone makes 'Plenty of Fish' sounds very unappealing.