Ask the Bear & Badger - The Bear and Badger

Kow

Personally, I'd just light heartedly pass it off if he's a friend. I don't like to make moral judgements about people's relationships as who knows what goes on behind closed doors and what the reasons for these things are.

Moot_Geeza

He's admitted it to his wife so whatever he tells you is presumably going to be a poor attempt to justify it (including mud slinging you don't want to hear, perhaps). With Kow on this one, it's more awkward because you're friends with both of them but with this sort of thing I'd much rather just have a beer and talk about other stuff. Maybe touch on a few things, maybe not, and preferably after the dust has settled a bit. A drink specifically for him to explain his side of an affair to you sounds like a long evening.

Hodge360

Affairs aren't the answer though. Grow up and behave like a responsible adult.
It's complicated by both being long term friends. You're likely to end up on a side even if you don't consciously pick it.
Let him say his piece but you're gonna end up giving him a good talking to in one direction or another.

Paul the sparky

Depends how he goes on. If he owns it and knows he fucked up then fair enough. If he tries to excuse it then give him a reality check

davyK

Listen but don't say too much.

Getting in the middle of this is not a good idea. Mates do dick things. If he has been a dick tell him. Up to you whether to remain mates. It takes a lot to break that - real friends are hard to come by. Do not take sides.

There will be 3 sides - hers, his and the truth (whatever that is!) Hoping the 3rd party isn't a friend too.

[Deleted User]

Yes Hodge! With you.

He contacted me and wants to give "his side", so I'm going to give him that. I think he's lucky that we found out last Saturday but are meeting up almost a week later, as it's given me a chance to calm down. 5 days ago I wasn't even sure I would still be able to be his friend. His wife has told me she still wants me to be friends with him, as she doesn't want him to end up lonely. She's a better person than me!

Ultimately, I don't think he's going to have anything close to a good excuse, and I'm sure I'll be telling him exactly that. I'm just so bloody disappointed in him.

x

LivDiv

Paul the sparky wrote:

Depends how he goes on. If he owns it and knows he fucked up then fair enough. If he tries to excuse it then give him a reality check

Yeah I think thats it.
Is he making excuses or is he concerned about losing a mate as well as his marriage.

LivDiv

Imagine finding out your dad's a love rat while at Disney World though.

Paul the sparky

Plot twist: the affair was with KrisG's wife

Diluted Dante

Paul the sparky wrote:

Depends how he goes on. If he owns it and knows he fucked up then fair enough. If he tries to excuse it then give him a reality check

Seems a bit much.

davyK

LivDiv wrote:

Imagine finding out your dad's a love rat while at Disney World though.

I never cease to be amazed how stupid people are too. Messages on the fucking phone? Really? If you are stupid/selfish/heartless enough to have an affair and want to remain married then the one rule is not be caught.

It's pretty much the ultimate betrayal and he needs to really understand that.

[Deleted User]

Paul the sparky wrote:

Plot twist: the affair was with KrisG's wife

I shouldn't, but.... lol

x

[Deleted User]

LivDiv wrote:

Imagine finding out your dad's a love rat while at Disney World though.

She's my GodDaughter and I'm properly gutted for her. Her 18th Birthday ruined

LivDiv

Yeah that is gonna stick for life.
Make sure you do your bit for her.

Kow

Relationships are built on a very intimate and private set of meanings and rules, including sexual needs, proclivities etc. I don't really feel it's my position to morally judge someone on the surface results of something that I really know nothing about. I can have an opinion, sure, but it's not my place to berate anyone for their sexual tendencies.

Paul the sparky

If you're not having your needs met within the relationship then there are other ways to go about fixing that without having an affair. You can definitely be criticized for choosing the shitey option

Kow

Choosing shitty options, if they see it like that, is their business as far as I'm concerned.

Diluted Dante

I mean if the other half is mad about it, its fairly safe to suggest they're not giving pitches to Noxy.

cockbeard

Difference between a sexual proclivity and a two and a half year affair

Sex can be divorced from a relationship. One of my closest friends was quite sexually inexperienced when he got married. After two kids and 13 years of marriage, he and his wife are attending swingers parties and he's gaining the experiences that he missed in his teens and twenties. But they both know about it. I've cheated, I've had casual sex with people in relationships. I'm claiming no personal moral high ground, just that I'd find sex easier to explain that living a lie for that period of time. You can't maintain two commitments without one suffering. Not to sound flippant but there's a reason most work contracts I see forbid me from working elsewhere whilst under that contract

[Deleted User]

Kow wrote:

Choosing shitty options, if they see it like that, is their business as far as I'm concerned.

If they didn't see it as the shitty option, why keep it a secret for 2.5 years?

Kow

I mean, I have no problem telling someone my opinion but I'd draw the line at "giving then a talking to" or "dressing down" or whatever. Not my place at all to do that. I'd be pretty pissed off if someone thought they could tell me off for behavior in my own relationships, good or bad.

Paul the sparky

Kow wrote:

Choosing shitty options, if they see it like that, is their business as far as I'm concerned.

It's hurting people though? Is that ok?

Kow

MyNamesKrisG wrote:

Kow wrote:

Choosing shitty options, if they see it like that, is their business as far as I'm concerned.

If they didn't see it as the shitty option, why keep it a secret for 2.5 years?

But that's kings of my point. I don't know why, and I don't know what leads to it. I'm not a court of law. Not the judge

Kow

Paul the sparky wrote:

Kow wrote:

Choosing shitty options, if they see it like that, is their business as far as I'm concerned.

It's hurting people though? Is that ok?

Sure, no, but who knows what hurt is going on inside the relationship anyway. As I said, I just don't like to judge on these situations.

Paul the sparky

Kow wrote:

Paul the sparky wrote:

Kow wrote:

Choosing shitty options, if they see it like that, is their business as far as I'm concerned.

It's hurting people though? Is that ok?

Sure, no, but who knows what hurt is going on inside the relationship anyway. As I said, I just don't like to judge on these situations.

What could be going on that makes an affair a better option than ending the relationship or something more honest? Can't think of anything that excuses that action to be honest

Hodge360

The one fence in the field that isn't electrified and Kow manages to find and sit on it.

Kow

I dunno. The guy made a decision, probably a bad one and now he has to deal with it. Anyway, I'll bow out now as my opinion will probably just start a fight here too.

davyK

What is really shitty is not sitting on it until they got home.

g.man

Hodge360 wrote:

The one fence in the field that isn't electrified and Kow manages to find and sit on it.

He's probably pregnant now too.

Yossarian

Hodge360 wrote:

The one fence in the field that isn't electrified and Kow manages to find and sit on it.

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