Should have had corned beef.

My brother, when fitting spotlights above his hallway door - the kind sunk into the wall - was using a drill with one of those circular serrated-head fittings.  As he forced the drill through the wall, bracing himself by placing his hand behind the area being drilled/sawed, he forgot to remove his hand and drillsawed straight into the palm of his hand, giving himself a nice stigmata effect tearing flesh wound.

Serves him right for DIY, the dick.

Dangerous things those front doors.

Fuck you three1ne, I'm not posting the picture of my girlfriend's arse.

Paul the sparky wrote:

Fuck you three1ne, I'm not posting the picture of my girlfriend's arse.

Oh, go on, we've all seen it.

Can think of many, but sheer idiocy award for a jumping off the swings incident when I was a kid. Swang forward and let go in preparation to jump off, decided against it, swang back, fell flat on my face.

I also did jump once and landed on my head, so I gave up after that.

Walking home drunk one night from uni, I knew there was a shortcut through some bushes from the pavement to this path I had to go down. Thought I'd found it and started going in, only to trip and fall down an embankment into an area completely overgrown with brambles. Getting back out of that wasn't fun.

Never broken anything but did dislocate a thumb once when I was about 10. Playing football in the playground, I was in goal. Someone hit a hard shot pretty much at me, I went to catch it and got it wrong and it caught the end of my thumb, snapping it backwards at a quite extraordinary angle. I managed to put the ball out for a corner before announcing I'd better leave the game.

I broke 2 ribs and fractured a further 2 while pissed up on a trampoline, of the numerous breaks and fractures I have suffered over the years this was by far the most painful and the one I would never really like to experience again.

They've not the brains.

That's Darwinism right there. Never seen a garden with a trampoline where I didn't think the world wouldn't be a better place without the owners / their kids.

Paul the sparky wrote:

Went go karting with work a few months ago. Two of the lads crashed into each other and one of them ended up with broken ribs and a punctured lung. Amazingly, he didn't think it was too bad so came out on the piss afterwards. We all loved making him laugh/wince for hours that night. He only went to the hospital when he tried to go to bed but couldn't lie down. By the time he got there his lung had collapsed. Mental.

My first shoulder dislocation was at the gym on my mate's birthday.  The doc gave me some temazepam to relax the muscles and put a sling on it, which turns out was the worst thing.  I carried on, went out drinking, didn't take the medicine because of that, and by the time I got home it had seized up in such unpleasant, spasmy pain that I couldn't take my shirt off.

Not as good as drinking with a collapsed lung, but still.

adored wrote:

That's Darwinism right there. Never seen a garden with a trampoline where I didn't think the world wouldn't be a better place without the owners / their kids.

How far do you take the Darwinism thing though? Would you extend it to silly bastards getting ran over crossing the road? 

I almost clipped some mong this morning, cunt just turned into the road and almost stepped into the side of my van. Fuck all I could have done about it, and I thought to myself that's natural selection right there. No natural predators or owt like that to worry about, so the stupid bastards wander out in front of council vans. Genius.

Elmlea wrote:

My mate's dad, after some particularly manly cutting of meat or something, stabbed the big kitchen knife he was using into the old chopping board, intending to have it stand there wobbling, point slightly embedded, to impress my chum and me (we were about 12 or 13 at the time, I think).

Thing is, it didn't have a "hilt" bit on it, so as he stabbed it into the board, the knife stopped, and his hand, clenched because it was holding the handle, continued down, putting an enormous slice through his palm.  It's the only time I've ever seen anyone literally go completely white.

I knew somebody who did exactly the same thing, having a heated discussion with his girlfriend and punctuated a point by stabbing the knife into the bread board. Severed all the tendons in his fingers and was in a cast for ages. He's dead now, pissed up at a party and said he was going to drive home so his brother and another mate took his keys, turned out they'd taken his front door keys. He drove the 45 minutes home couldn't get in the house so drive back to the party crashed and killed himself on the way. Left his wife and 3 month old without a dad, he was a bit of a dick really.

Paul the sparky wrote:

Aye, pneumonia was the biggest worry for him when he was in hospital. Broken ribs are supposed to be a bastard to recover from. He was sleeping sat upright in a chair as lying down was impossible.

Every morning I'd wake up and have to go through the process of getting out of bed, put my surf 'poncho' on to cover up my giblets, have a piss and then climb the stairs to our lounge, then the task of actually getting into a chair and then get comfy all the while only having short laboured breaths. Once there I couldn't do anything, not even play on my xbox as the pain was absolutely unbearable.

To be perfectly honest the first 3 to 4 days I should have just sat in a chair in the bedroom rather than going through this routine but if I was awake I was in agony so I figured I may as well be in agony in front of a big TV and where I could have visitors. Fingers crossed I never go through this again, fucking glad I didn't have the punctured lung to be going on with as well like your mate.

JonB wrote:

Can think of many, but sheer idiocy award for a jumping off the swings incident when I was a kid. Swang forward and let go in preparation to jump off, decided against it, swang back, fell flat on my face.

That's exactly how I broke my arm for the first time as a kid, I've never trusted swings since. The second (and worse) time I somehow broke it by falling backwards off a soft playhouse.

Oh, forgot about this one..

T'was Friday 5 aside Football. 1 day before going out of town for birthday shenanigans. After not making much of a contribution to the game for over 20 minutes I decided to sprain my ankle. Felt like the thing twisted sidewards 90degrees. Couldnt move much but heroically spent the rest of the game in goal. Albeit not saving any shots whatsoever.

Frozen peas on the ankle when I got in and packed my bag for a 10 oclock train for Sat morning. And thought that was that.

OR WAS IT?!?!?!!!lulz...

Woke up Sat morning. I was really thirsty so immediately got up, popped my glasses on and walked downstairs. Mum was already in the kitchen. I got to the very bottom of the stairs and felt terribly queasy. I remember calling "Mum I fee..." SMACK. Down I go. Head first collapse back onto the stairs. Out cold. I vaguely heard my Mum shrieking, calling to my Dad who was still in bed. I awoke to being closer than I had ever been to my Dad's bare stomach as he pulled me up and placed me on a chair from the kitchen that Mother had got. My foot was in a whole world of swollenness and the blood had rushed to/from my head/done something magical to knock me out. An addition to my swollen ankle was a fresh cut on my brow. I caught the very edge of the stair and the bridge of my glasses dug in nice and deep.

Went to the hospital as a precaution and I got a sexy bandage and was told to not drink any alcohol over the weekend. I laughed inside, winked at the camera and the frame froze as my Mum and me jump-high-fived each other.