That explains the glasses at least.

Scored an OG in football today. Clumsy as fuck.

I am extremely clumsy, and can barely get through a day without walking into something, poking myself in the eye, or similar trivial act of stupidity.  (There is a reason I didn't go near surgery as a career.)

A couple of my finest moments...  (Apologies if I've posted them before.)

As a teenager I was once playing in an old recreational ground next to a major road.  I was attempting to hide, and so climbed a tree at the very edge of the park.  Predictably the branch I'd chosen as my nest broke, and I dropped from the sky onto the bonnet of an AA van, before rolling over the van, and being deposited on the road behind it.  Somehow I survived without any major injuries, and instead just stood in the middle of the road hysterically screaming apologies to the already terrified driver.  (Who then took me home, and spent the rest of the afternoon with my father drinking whiskey.)

Much more recently I was helping my step-dad do some renovation work on my Mum's house.  It's an old courthouse (bought from the council for a pittance as it was fallling down), and has a rather amazing flat roof.  I was given the not particularly complicated task of taking a load of breeze blocks from one end of the tarpaulin strewn space to the other.  I set off with 3 breeze blocks awkwardly piled up in my arms, and made a direct path to the other end of the roof.  About half way I had what I can only describe as an Elmer Fudd moment.  It suddenly occurred to me that there was a skylight somewhere on the roof.  By extension I realised that it must be beneath one of the tarpaulins.  In fact I concluded, it was under the one I was standing on.  At which point gravity kicked in, the skylight cracked, and I plummeted, into their brand new bathroom, landing somewhat awkwardly onto the concrete floor, breeze blocks exploding in plumes of dust around me.  (Through sheer luck there was a head sized gap between the new sink and toilet which meant that I avoided braining myself on either.)  As I lay there, practicing wiggling my toes, and wondering what the phenomenal pain in my arm was, my step-dad appeared by my side asking what, if anything he could do.  I politely directed him towards the massive piece of glass, hanging by a single piece of wire from the shattered skylight above, threatening to impale me Omen style.

Again, somewhat amazingly I avoided having any major injuries.  I had a pretty nice slice through my elbow (about which there is another story) and my back has never been quite right since, but all in all I was damn lucky to get away with it...

Skerret wrote:

You should be dead.

It has been said.

I once sat down with one of my housemates and listed all the times I arguably should have died.  (Through accidents or illness).  We got to a grand total of 10...

Skerret wrote:

Sorry, didn't read the long post.  Should I?

Short version - I fell onto a van once.  Another time I fell through a roof.  I am still alive. Snooker, sadly, did not feature.

I did read, however I have failed to yuk.  I succeeded at yukking badly if anything.

That skylight story is hilarious. At least it is knowing you're alright.

Skerret wrote:

Who would benefit most from your death 'bot?

All of mankind quite possibly.

I was uninsured, and pretty much independent at the time, so few would have benefitted directly.  However the step-dad in question used to be my maths teacher in primary school (and the teacher in the school that every child feared).  It's possible that it was all an elaborate pay-back for my 10 year old self's mathematical incompetence...

Have I posted in this thread? I dunno.

Anyway, when we had the pub, I'd spend my days behind the bar slowly getting pissed as the regulars flowed in and out. My mam would pay a guy in pints to chop the wood for our fire. Quiet day one time, so I wandered out back for a chat. In a drunken stupor, I'd thought it'd be good to help pick up the chopped wood for him. While he was still cutting it. Cue me falling over, and the axe missing my head by about half an inch.

Oh how we laughed.