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Brooks
Brooks
Brooks
ZMM
Outlaw
Hylian_elf
Spock

I've got an awful memory, so I could quite easily have mentioned at least one of these before. Apologies in advance for the fact that I'm a prick.

1. I was once the ringleader in a plot involving an aniseed ball and a classmate (born in Beckenham, to English parents) who decided to wear a German scarf and support Germany for the duration of Euro '96. Over the course of a week, a number of us did unspeakable things to an aniseed ball that was passed around. After the semis, he was offered the aniseed ball, which by this time (after a quick rinse) was white rather than red. He picked it out the bag, as it was the only one in there, and crunched on it for the rest of the lesson. Everyone decided justice had been done.

2. A Golden Retriever once ripped one of my eyelids off while I was watching Prisoner Cell Block H.

3. I once got laughed at for being a perv by a female technical advisor on the BT helpline after my broadband had been down for three hours. She was deep mining in my account after a 45 minute phonecall, and I assume had everything visible on her screen. When she said 'ok, try typing in a web address', I absent mindedly typed 'www.redt*be.com' and hit enter, which is the exact point of the conversation that she sniggered.

4. When I was nine or ten, I hated my brother so much that I waged a clandestine bet-wedding vendetta against him for months. We shared a room, and if I needed a piss in the night, I'd do it on his bed without waking him up, before returning to my own bed and waiting for him to get yet another bollocking in the morning for not having control of his bodily functions. He never found out, because he just assumed he'd actually been doing it himself, and everyone still thinks he wet the bed until he was thirteen.

5. At a party on the grounds of a cricket club in 1999ish, a friend of a friend asked me to look after his cap and bag while he went to the bar. As I'd had a lot to drink, and was standing next to a flagpole, I decided it would be funny to attach the cap to the string and hoist it to the top of the pole. During his frenzied and unsuccessful attempts to retrieve it, it emerged that the cap belonged to his brother, who had died of leukemia a year earlier.

my money is on 3.

bet-wedding vendetta

Ok.

I find number 2 a bit far-fetched - I mean, who the fuck watched Prisoner Cell block H?

When do we reveal? People will be surprised with me.

Is it 4 truths and 1 lie or vice versa?

4 vices and one versa.

1. I once brought an entire section of the Milan road network to a halt by jumping a red light whilst in a bus/tram lane.

2. I have been stopped by the Police for speeding at 100mph+ but not been issued a ticket.

3. I have been that drunk in Monaco that while working for Mercedes McLaren that the men I was sharing the villa with rang the women members of the team in their villa to tell them that despite having a 6am start and it now being 4.30am I was drunk, naked and smoking in the swimming pool.

4. Noel Edmunds told me to fuck off.

5. I had a photo taken while in the Bahamas with only a Black Witch Moth (called the 'Money Bat' in the Caribbean and 'famous' for being on the cover of Silence of the Lambs) covering my dignity.

I've decided to fund a prize for the best bluff (ie person with fewest correct guesses).

Rules are someone to sort out a sensible voting system (i guess i could but not till this evening), everyone who entered a list must guess every other list, and if you didn't enter a list but want to guess anyway, guess as many as poss please!

MK - op/title update?

mk64
4. Miquita Oliver date
I was between this and the ice-lolly one for being a variation on a truth.  I'll go with this being the lie, on the grounds that it was a different minor-celeb you dated, or a different encounter with same minor celeb.

acemuzzy
5. Published poem
I'll go with this being the lie as some sort of bluff, it being the least interesting of the five.  Although the Marmite nickname is close behind.

reg
4. Franz Ferdinand support
I wondered if you'd used another implement to beat up another deadly creature, but I'll go with this.  I vaguely remember you talking about something similar before, but I think it was a different band.  I doubt Sharon Osbourne was hitting on you, but I believe that you would think she was.  <winky-smiley>

JonB
1. Pro Iraq War
Believing the Colin Powell story, I suspect his is he lie.  It's an odd thing to put up if it isn't.

equinox_code
2. Fictional books
A few of your stories ring bells, including this one, but I think you've said before that there are only one or to you have finished.

nOface
1. Clockwise appearance
All of yours sound true, so this is a total guess.

Stophorage
2. Disney film
I think you've told the Gabby Logan story before.  This one sounds mental, which might be a bluff, I dunno.

Wookienopants
5. I shot the sheriff (but I did not shoot the deputy)
Er, yeah.

Elmlea
3. Abu Dhabi limo
I'm pretty sure I know a couple of the others are true.  I'm tempted to go with the toilet one, but I'll go with this one, guessing that it's mostly true but you weren't actually arrested.

Moot_geezer
4. Fraternal bed-wetting
I'm intrigued as to how many friends were willing to shove a sweetie up their arse after it had been up various other friends arses, and what the point was in washing it before giving it to him.  However, I'll guess that this is the lie in the strong hope that it is a complete fabrication.

Wait there are some not in the OP.

Tin Robot wrote:

1) I was a statue on the 4th plinth in Trafalgar Square.
2) As a child I was told to fuck off by "Stars in Their Eyes" presenter Matthew Kelly.
3) I was thrown out of Sea Scouts for persuading my peers that the scout hut was on haunted land.
4) I once wrote an adaptation of Orwell's 1984 in the style of a sitcom.
5) I was an exhibit on the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures.

Moto70 wrote:

1. I once brought an entire section of the Milan road network to a halt by jumping a red light whilst in a bus/tram lane.

2. I have been stopped by the Police for speeding at 100mph+ but not been issued a ticket.

3. I have been that drunk in Monaco that while working for Mercedes McLaren that the men I was sharing the villa with rang the women members of the team in their villa to tell them that despite having a 6am start and it now being 4.30am I was drunk, naked and smoking in the swimming pool.

4. Noel Edmunds told me to fuck off.

5. I had a photo taken while in the Bahamas with only a Black Witch Moth (called the 'Money Bat' in the Caribbean and 'famous' for being on the cover of Silence of the Lambs) covering my dignity.

Kazuo wrote:

1) I once came within seconds of being stabbed by a junkie on my way into high school. I only avoided it because I realised I was late for class and ran past the guy. He ended up stabbing the girl walking a few feet behind me instead.

2) I'm related to former President and renowned sex pest Bill Clinton.

3) At a beach rave in Aberdeen I broke a girl's nose after getting angry and elbowing her in the face.

4) I was once mistaken for Razorlight's lead ponce Johnny Borrell in a club. The guy asked for my autograph and told me he loved our music and I laughed at him.

5) One night when I was a teenager I woke up to find a robber climbing in my bedroom window. I was so freaked out that I screamed and chucked my alarm clock at him, scaring him off and shattering the window in the proccess.

sorry i've just updated the op not sure how i missed them on a three page thread.. tom fail sorry.

MK:

Ice lollies.  Mainly because having to have over 30 seems a bit crazy.

Acemuzzy:

Marmite.  Dunno why, just an inkling it was vegimite or something.

Reg:

Franz Ferdinand.  Don't really know much about them but I guess supporting them in 2004 would have been a pretty big deal.

adkm:

Stealing from the till.  It seems easier for an opportunist thief to pinch KitKats or something.  Maybe you had career aspiration by then, so keeping it small wouldn't have been a bad idea. 

JonB:

The rabbit called Darky.  All black rabbits must be called Inle.  I did the Monaco GP thing with Toejam & Earl 2, so I can sympathise with you as Mega didn't print that either, the badgers.

Equinox:

Fictional book.  Surely if you ever attended any term in any school you would have had a set text?

Noface:

I really hope 2 is true, great stuff.  I'm gonna guess you asked a question about newts, or proposed to Michaela Strachen or something, so I'll go with no.4 as the lie.

Stoph:

The school photo.  An amusing story, but would have been tricky to pull off.

Wookie:

Despite your shoplifter skillz in the offie, 3 on 1 is a bit 'Yo homie!', so I'm gonna guess you got owned in the cubicle. 

Elm:

The pinch.  Maybe a slap - a pinch is a bit Tommy Steele.

Tin:

Matthew Kelly prefers young children to stick around.

Moto:

Noel Edmunds, mainly because I hope it was vice versa.

Kazou:

You ran because you clocked the junkie rather than because you were late to class, and this is your confession after years of insane guilt.  Not really; I reckon 3 is the lie.  An elbow seems a fair bit too extreme for a woman, unless you're Sean Connery.

Tin Robot
4. 1984 sitcom
Your Sea Scout leader was harsh for throwing you out or just that, but maybe it was a third strike, so I'm going with this.

Moto70
4. Noel Edmunds
Because Noel Edmunds is still alive.  Might've been the other way around.

Kazuo
1. Junkie stabbing
I'm sure you've told us a couple of these before, including the elbow in the face.