1. I was once the ringleader in a plot involving an aniseed ball and a classmate (born in Beckenham, to English parents) who decided to wear a German scarf and support Germany for the duration of Euro '96. Over the course of a week, a number of us did unspeakable things to an aniseed ball that was passed around. After the semis, he was offered the aniseed ball, which by this time (after a quick rinse) was white rather than red. He picked it out the bag, as it was the only one in there, and crunched on it for the rest of the lesson. Everyone decided justice had been done.

True.  Urinals, dandruff, armpits, lost property P.E socks and so on.  Adkm thinks bumhole(s), and I can neither confirm nor deny; it was washed because it had picked up debris during its series of unfortunate events.   

2. A Golden Retriever once ripped one of my eyelids off while I was watching Prisoner Cell Block H.

True.  I was pretending to eat a huge unopened packed of Eukanuba food during an ad break, "nom nom nom" etc.  Thatch, our family dog, decided he most certainly wasn't going to tolerate such foolishness.  After a 70mph dash to the hospital in a Morris Minor Traveller I ended up having some sort of plastic surgery and stayed in for almost a week.  Having the stitches slowly pulled from my eyelid is still the most painful experience of my life. 

3. I once got laughed at for being a perv by a female technical advisor on the BT helpline after my broadband had been down for three hours. She was deep mining in my account after a 45 minute phonecall, and I assume had everything visible on her screen. When she said 'ok, try typing in a web address', I absent mindedly typed 'www.redt*be.com' and hit enter, which is the exact point of the conversation that she sniggered.

True.  I'm an idiot, I always type out the full address to things through habit, and she must have thought I was desperate for porn.  It's been three hours, this is not acceptable!

4. When I was nine or ten, I hated my brother so much that I waged a clandestine bet-wedding vendetta against him for months. We shared a room, and if I needed a piss in the night, I'd do it on his bed without waking him up, before returning to my own bed and waiting for him to get yet another bollocking in the morning for not having control of his bodily functions. He never found out, because he just assumed he'd actually been doing it himself, and everyone still thinks he wet the bed until he was thirteen.

False.  I heard a similar tale from a regular in the pub my gf used to work at in Orpington.  So I guess it's a true story, just not mine. 

5. At a party on the grounds of a cricket club in 1999ish, a friend of a friend asked me to look after his cap and bag while he went to the bar. As I'd had a lot to drink, and was standing next to a flagpole, I decided it would be funny to attach the cap to the string and hoist it to the top of the pole. During his frenzied and unsuccessful attempts to retrieve it, it emerged that the cap belonged to his brother, who had died of leukemia a year earlier.

True, and didn't I feel like shit.  He got it back the next day btw. 

I KNEW IT!  Like fuck they can't peel.

1. I once brought an entire section of the Milan road network to a halt by jumping a red light whilst in a bus/tram lane. - True. While working for FORD on the Champions League final we were given vehicle passes that enabled us to use bus/tram lanes, I jumped a red light and a copper came from nowhere. My vehicle was fully sign written in Champions League Official Vehicle and the copper didn't understand English so he started one of those arm waving dances that brought the entire road section to a standstill.

2. I have been stopped by the Police for speeding at 100mph+ but not been issued a ticket. - True. In fact this has happened twice, once on the Towcester Bypass on my bike and once on the M5. To this day I still don't know how I got away with them.

3. I have been that drunk in Monaco that while working for Mercedes McLaren that the men I was sharing the villa with rang the women members of the team in their villa to tell them that despite having a 6am start and it now being 4.30am I was drunk, naked and smoking in the swimming pool. True - I spent an evening in Monaco where I took full advantage of the free booze, upon returning to our villa I was still in party mood. The others weren't.

4. Noel Edmonds told me to fuck off. True - I used to do work for Noel Edmonds and always got on well with him (he let me drive his Ferrari 288 GTO) and I was one of the few people I knew of that could say what they wanted without him taking offence. One day we were talking and I asked him what he was upto over the weekend, he replied not much so I said how does he fancy presenting some snooker trophies for the league I play in? He said how does fuck off grab you?

5. I had a photo taken while in the Bahamas with only a Black Witch Moth (called the 'Money Bat' in the Caribbean and 'famous' for being on the cover of Silence of the Lambs) covering my dignity. False - 'Money bats' are huge but I have a massive phobia of moths, even the smallest, so when I saw these things I shit myself. They were easily 6" wide and scared the fuck out of me.

1. I have served three different prime ministers and one president.

This is true. Major, Brown and Blair have all been served by me. I worked in what was ostensibly a "fancy" hotel (if you read the maroon room you might remember my rant, and why I use inverted commas). The president was the president of Ireland though. Never had a REAL president (love ya Ireland) tho.


2. Sharon Osborne once tried to hit on me.

This is true although it was a fun flirty, not serious. The X Factor auditions were held in the above hotel and I was serving Mrs Ozzy her lunch in her room. She asked me to take her to where the auditions were so I went with her and at one point I had to hold out my arm to hold a door open. She grabbed it and said "ooh you're a strong lad then" and gave me a wink. BOOM.


3. I have beaten up a rattlesnake with a golf club

This is true. When we lived in Utah we had a family of rattlers under our porch. One day I got a frantic call from my mum and drove home to find a rattler had managed to crawl through the vents into the house. I went down to the garage, got one of my golf clubs, and hit it. It hissed then pegged it outside. Those things move FAST when they want to.

4. My old band supported Franz Ferdinand in 2004

False. The closest I got to the Franz in 2004 was when our band was recording in a studio and they were next door, doing rehearsals for what would become their second album. We had a chat with them, but sadly we never opened for them.

5. I have climbed over the Sydney Harbour Bridge

True. In 2000 my family went to Oz and NZ for a 3 1/2 week holiday. The Sydney Bridge climb was an actual paid for activity. My sister and mum were too afraid to do it but dad and I suited up and hiked over the top. There's a wonderful picture of me with one arm up in the air in a wonderfully camp manner.


Good times.

Quite a few of you got mine, but here goes...

1) I was a statue on the 4th plinth in Trafalgar Square.

TRUE

It was part of Anthony Gormley's (much derided) One and Other - which put a different person on the 4th Plinth every hour for 3 months.  There's video of it on the internet somewhere, and I'm told my slot was featured on a Sky documentary about it - but not having I Sky I never saw it...

 2) As a child I was told to fuck off by "Stars in Their Eyes" presenter Matthew Kelly. 

TRUE

A fairly mundane tale really.  It was back stage after a pantomime.  He was having a fairly intense discussion with someone at the bar when my younger brother and I approached him for an autograph.  It was clearly very bad timing, and he snapped "fuck off" before returning to his conversation.  And yes, when he was subsequently accused (and cleared) of paedophilia I had to endure many "you're so ugly not even Matthew Kelly fancies you" style jokes.

3) I was thrown out of Sea Scouts for persuading my peers that the scout hut was on haunted land. 

TRUE

The scout hut was actually a church hall.  One evening the scout leader had us playing a wide game in the church yard.  I can't remember the rules, but it was essentially a glorified game of hide and seek.  Either I'm very good at hiding or nobody wanted to find me, so in order to entertain myself when moving from one hiding sot to another, I scooped up a small statue of the Virgin Mary.  I moved it around a couple of times before finally putting it on top of a particularly impressive crypt type thing at the end of a narrow corridor running down the side of the church.  (There was a single light illuminating the passageway, and in retrospect it was pretty creepy.)  

After a while I realised no-one seemed to be looking for me anymore and I emerged to find all the kids assembled at one end of the passageway staring at the statue.  As none of them had seen me move it, they had collectively persuaded themselves that the slightly spooky statue had clearly got there by supernatural means.  They were all daring each other to retrieve it and put it back where it belonged.  Something I was perfectly content to do, and their subsequent respect for my apparent bravery made me reluctant to confess. 

Unfortunately the next week only about two other people turned up to scouts, and after this continued for several more weeks the scout master made enquiries and discovered they were scared to come to the Haunted Scout Hut.  I had to confess, and was booted out.

4) I once wrote an adaptation of Orwell's 1984 in the style of a sitcom. 

FALSE

I'm tempted now that I've thought of it though.  "Oh, Winston!" I'd call it, and it would require a particularly over the top laugh track.

5) I was an exhibit on the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures.

TRUE

My Dad was a member and I used to get sent along every year.  (I remember sitting next to Douglas Adams at one, who was very gracious, and did not tell me to fuck off.)  One year's theme was genetics - my family was rolled out as an exhibit by virtue of our ginger hair.  (My Dad, my younger brother and I are ginger, my mother and brother are not.)  To be honest, I generally found the lectures quite interesting, and the insight into how TV shows are recorded fascinating.

There will be detailed Excel-driven analysis tonight.  Expect graphs.

Ok then.

1) I once came within seconds of being stabbed by a junkie on my way into high school. I only avoided it because I realised I was late for class and ran past the guy. He ended up stabbing the girl walking a few feet behind me instead.

True. Came out of class an hour later and there were ambulances and police all over the place. Heard what had happened and had one of those "Oh shit..." moments.

2) I'm related to former President and renowned sex pest Bill Clinton.

True. The man born William Jefferson Blythe III is a relative. My uncle traced the family tree and found it out a few years ago. 

3) At a beach rave in Aberdeen I broke a girl's nose after getting angry and elbowing her in the face.

True. This is a good one. So after this rave, about 5AM, hundreds of us are waiting for the last bus back to the city. If we don't catch this we've got a three hour walk ahead of us. Problem is, the bus only seats 12 people and the first three times it came by we were crowded out. So this time we know exactly where it's stopping, have positioned ourselves at the optimum place for rushing to the door, and are ready to fight for it. As it pulls in hundreds of people start running at it. We're ahead of the pack when this short girl ducks under me and goes past. In a rage I went "NAW YOU DON'T", pulled her back by her hood, and elbowed her in the face without thinking. I still distinctly remember the fear on the driver's face as I ran up in a rage and thrust a handful of money at him. As the bus pulled out we noticed that the girl was in a heap on the ground surrounded by her friends, blood streaming from her nose. Depending on which of my pals you ask I either killed her, ruined her career as an aspiring nose model, or turned her into a Bond-villain style nemesis with a replacement metal nose, who will one day hunt me down and attempt to kill me with an elbow drop. Great night.

4) I was once mistaken for Razorlight's lead ponce Johnny Borrell in a club. The guy asked for my autograph and told me he loved our music and I laughed at him.

True. The guy was obviously hammered but Razorlight happened to be in town at the time and my hair was a bit ridiculous so I can understand why he made the mistake. As soon as I laughed he realised what a twat he'd looked like and bolted off. 

5) One night when I was a teenager I woke up to find a robber climbing in my bedroom window. I was so freaked out that I screamed and chucked my alarm clock at him, scaring him off and shattering the window in the proccess.

Lie. One night I was woken by someone climbing in my bedroom window, but it turned out to be my drunk brother who'd forgotten his keys and couldn't be arsed just knocking on the door. I didn't throw anything, but my dad almost kicked the shit out of him when he found out how he'd gotten in and scared me half to death.

Oddie ftw.

1. I turned down the offer of a 3some from Gabby Logan and a Soccer AM Soccerette.
TRUE Annoyed that I've mentioned this before, had a couple of other ridiculous things I could have included instead. Was at posh tennis/sports resort La Manga as my old man loved tennis and was an LTA coach. Me an my little brother went for a drink in the bar. Same place and same night as Hoddle was telling Gazza that he wasn't going to be in his World Cup final squad. Loads of Sky peeps were there. Logan bought me and my brother a drink and then invited me back to hers. Turned her down as I had to take my brother back at which point she said that the Soccerette was up for it as well. Turned that down as well.  

2. I was offered the male lead part of a live action Disney film.
ANNOYINGLY TRUE. I was 'head-hunted' after appearing in a play in London as a kid. Was offered the part of Peter in the 90's version of Heidi. My parents turned them down, despite a number of improved financial offers. They thought it better that I stay in education. Quite gutted that I didn't do it really. 

3. My family appeared in a 10 minute infomercial called the Hitachi Family which played throughout Japan and Asia.
TRUE. Primarily appeared in Japan and was apparently in all the DIY stores. Annoying thing about it was they filmed a 'normal' day in an English house which involved us using a variety of Hitachi products. This supposedly normal day involved  my brother having a birthday so he got a load of presents to unwrap that he got to keep. I had the honour of wearing a ridiculously oversized pair of headphones whilst listening to 'Wired for Sound' by Cliff Richard. I had to pretend I was dancing to it and nodding my head. It was truly mortifying. 

4. After being excluded from school, I turned up for the school photo. My mates 'smuggled' me to the top and the photo featured me sticking 2 fingers up and in civvy clothes.
TRUE. I'd been temporarily excluded after a supply teacher confiscated a note that my mate and I were sending to each other in class. Her name was Miss Parkinson and I wrote that she had a nose like a ski piste. Anyway, was excluded for the day of the school photo. As I was a 6th former we would wear civvies anyway so turning up in my own stuff wasn't as obvious as it sounded. Was smuggled to the top and had my Manu Tualagi moment. That wasn't the biggest incident.  Ryan Fleckley was a strange character who had somehow got into the grammar school despite being illiterate and plain dumb. Yet, from 15 he had driven to school in a VW Beetle and parked it every day in the teacher's car park and they never said a thing to him. Rumours were rife that his old man was high up in the London Mafia and that's how he got away with it. Well he was excluded permanently and on the day of the photo realised the school would be quiet whilst we were all having the photo taken. So he set off a home-made bomb in the chemistry labs and it exploded just after the photo finished. Broken windows, mild hysteria and a very angry head teacher. 

5. I've smoked gear with Art Malik in a swimming pool on a number of occasions.
False. My brother did this as Malik lived near us on South London. He is a top, top man by all accounts.

This has been one of my favourite threads. Such a temporary and momentary thing. Well done, MK!

1.  I have shared a fairly passionate kiss with Sharleen Spiteri, lead singer of Texas.  
TRUE!  I was at uni and dating a girl from Glasgow.  I've never figured out exactly why they were there, but it seemed Sharleen (and presumably the rest of Texas) were in a bar near George Square.  I was there for some thing because my then-girlfriend's friend was the photographer who'd made a bunch of photos for the bar's artwork.

I was quite a fan, and after some gentle ribbing and Dutch courage, I went to ask for an autograph.  After a 30 second conversation, my girlfriend actually said "I know you're a fan, you can ask her for a kiss if you like" or something equally cheesy.  I did, and she said no problem, smiled, and stuck her tongue in my mouth.  I was more than a little bit surprised, but she made my year....!

2.  I have gone to the loo faster than the speed of sound.  

TRUE!  It's not as easy as doing it subsonically, but I thought I best try.  I was rushed into a job to deliver a jet to another airfield, and when they didn't have external tanks they were pretty much not limited in terms of speed.  So we climbed out to about 30kft, went east to the North Sea, and then pointed where we needed to go.  Once it was supersonic, I requested a gentle descent, left it in min reheat power, and we had something like 20 minutes until crossing overland.  It was quite stable around M1.05-1.10, and as I had rushed into the job, I was desperate for a pee.  I always kept an emergency aircrew pee bag in my g-pants, and we were used to having to pee in the jets on long missions, so I safed up my ejection seat, unstrapped, and peed at around 645mph.

3.  I was arrested in Abu Dhabi for trying, along with some colleagues, to requisition a limo belonging to the Sheik to take us back to our hotel, after a particularly lairy night out.  

FALSE!  This happened to a group of 5 aircrew who flew the other, less good type of Tornado.  An F3 squadron were in Abu Dhabi and 5 guys, pissed, fell out of a hotel and saw a limo.  In typical, arrogant "British officer overseas" style, they piled into it and tried to convince the driver to take them rather than the fare they assumed he was waiting for.  Trouble was he was waiting for a member of the Sheik's family, who was actual royalty, so after about 15 seconds they were pulled out by security, handed over to the police, and spent a couple of nights in jail.  I know a couple of the guys involved, but I wasn't there.

4.  I have pinched the Duchess of Cambridge's ass.  

TRUE!  I started dating a girl who was at St Andrews university in late 2001, who moved in the same circles as Kate Middleton and Prince William after they arrived to start.  I had graduated in 2001, but the girl I was seeing had taken a gap year and started in the same year as Kate and William.  

I met this girl at a student party, and Kate Middleton was there too.  The girl I subsequently dated was a blonde, but I preferred brunettes, so had actually spent a fair bit of time trying to ingratiate myself to Kate.  And it got to the suitably-flirty stage where I did indeed pinch her ass as she got up to walk past.  She seemed to like it.  

5.  I was offered the chance to live as a kept man by an extremely rich older woman during a work event, where she promised that if I left work to live with her, she'd start by buying me a Ferrari.


TRUE!  A long time ago we had a work party in a hotel somewhere.  There were a lot of people there not associated with our work, and my friend and I, aged about 22-23 at the time, got chatting to a woman in her 40s at the bar.  She subsequently explained she was single, and either a company owner or an heiress to a company, I forget which, but a major cosmetics one.  She lived and worked in England but had a country pile out where we were based at the time.

I had a girlfriend (the one from anecdote 4) at the time, and my friend was doing most of the groundwork.  But she said, after a few drinks, that she thought we were both lovely, and told us what she was looking for.  That she realised that meeting someone her own age would tricky, and she felt like she'd rather just have someone our age for fun.  The conversation progressed until she said she'd love to have one of us just follow her around as a live-in younger boyfriend, but because of her travel, we'd probably have to leave our job.  I said I'd have been tempted, but never mind the pay, there were some things she couldn't replace that we did in our line of work, to which she replied that she'd pick up something along the lines of a shiny new Ferrari for me to drive her back to London in, that weekend, if I agreed to come along.

It was pretty tempting, but as young, enthusiastic trainee fighter pilots, we turned her down.

Thank you for an excellent fun thread, mk!

I would've been edging closer to my big pay-day by now, married to a woman who could ride on buses for free.

Erroneous garlic bread! Remove the yeasty offender!

Indeed but that freezer seems pretty dedicated to iced confectionary. The garlic bread needs to be with it brethren.

Excellent, I can now carry on with not working